I recently celebrated two years of being sober and living a clean life!
Although I didn’t celebrate as such, instead I chose to reflect on how much personal growth I’ve made and how much my life has changed. All for the better, and better than I could have ever imagined at that!
I love sharing the happiness in my life with you all, the positivity and the love because that is what I choose to focus my energies on daily. But, I still have struggles just like the next person and I feel it important to share those struggles too. It helps me see how far I’ve come but I also hope to inspire and remind you that you too can change your world if you’re facing similar to what I’ve experienced!
For so long I had this idea in my head of the type of person I wanted to be. She was kind, caring, loving, genuine, loyal, enjoyed life and had so much positivity about her. For so many years she was there, trying to show herself but never knowing how.
Always clouded by alcohol and negativity. For many years I chose to subdue who I really was because I never felt worthy of being her… I never felt worthy of being happy or loved. Whenever things started to go well I would self sabotage. This was a sad habit I’d developed from past experience. I felt when things in my life started to go well that’s when everything would turn to shit. It sounds crazy, I know. But that’s how I used to think. So, If I was in control of how shit things became in some way, it would hurt less…
I was used to things being taken away from me, people leaving, friends turning on me, family hurting me that I built up a wall. I stopped feeling things because sometimes feeling was too painful. That’s why I turned to alcohol. It was my escape, I’d drink to get drunk and to let go for a while. At the start it would be just weekends, then week days and before I knew it. It took over my life. No word of a lie, I’d get drunk everyday!
I always had a fear of drinking because I knew from a young age I’d be susceptible to alcoholism considering my father was an alcoholic. I grew up going to AA meetings with him and attending Al-anon meetings for myself. When I first started noticing the signs within myself you’d think that would have scared me more to stop drinking but alcoholism isn’t something you can obviously flick a switch and stop it!