There are some experiences that are just so embarrassing that they stick with you forever. The time that I blocked my mother-in-law’s toilet is one of them. Yes, it was poo, and no, I couldn’t fix it.
Now I can hardly look my mother-in-law in the eye. And what’s worse, I hear her voice in my head every time I have a bowel motion. She gave me advice on how to poo and I can never forget it.
I was visiting my mother-in-law with my de facto partner, Josh, and I really needed to do a number two. I felt uncomfortable, but I decided to hold it in because I was too shy to take a dump in Terese’s beautiful bathroom. Both Terese and I are very discreet and ladylike and I would hate for her to overhear or smell anything untoward.
I didn’t even want her to notice if I was in the bathroom for a longer period of time. Perhaps that’s why Josh chose me as a partner – because my manners and etiquette reminded him of his Grace Kelly-like mother.
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We were sitting in Terese’s expensive apartment about to have some pastries and tea. Suddenly, Terese noticed that she had no milk for Josh’s tea. Terese prides herself on being the perfect hostess, so this was a huge disaster for her.
Even though we offered to get the milk, Terese wouldn’t hear of it and next thing we knew she’d jumped into the car and headed to the grocery store.
This was a relief in more ways than one. As soon as she left, I raced to Terese’s designer bathroom and proceeded to pass a bowel motion. I did my usual routine: I put a small wad of toilet paper in the toilet bowl to prevent any splashing, and then did my business.
It took a bit longer than usual but I felt much lighter and more relaxed once I’d finished. I wiped several times (I like to be as clean as possible) and then flushed the toilet.
Or, should I say, I tried to flush the toilet. The water drained out of the toilet, but the wads of toilet paper and my giant poo remained.
I stood over the toilet and tried to breathe calmly. I assured myself that everything would be OK, and that another flush should do the trick.
I pressed the flush button again, and held it down for several seconds. This time, the toilet bowl filled up almost to the brim. I literally prayed in that moment that it wouldn’t overflow – and thankfully, it didn’t. But now, the toilet was clogged with toilet paper and poo, plus there were lumps of my poo floating on top.