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"Seven times my one-year-old made me look like an idiot in front of my friends."

On a stressful night, approximately 10.5 months ago, you would not stop screaming.

You wouldn’t sleep, you wouldn’t eat, and you sure as hell were not smiling. In a mad panic, we took you to the hospital, where the doctors decided to keep us overnight for observations. You slept through the night for the first time ever. And have slept through a grand total of three times since that night.

You woke up the next morning, fed perfectly, had a little chat, a bit of a play, and proceeded to go down for a two-hour nap. During your stay, you did not cry. At all. The nurse turned to us and said: ‘Get used to this, this won’t be the last time your baby makes a fool outta you.’

scurvy from almond milk
You weren't like this AT ALL. Image via iStock.

Throughout my parenting journey thus far, a truer piece of advice has not been given. So, without further ado, here are seven more times you have made me look like a complete and utter numpty in front of my friends:

1.The time when you forgot your love of dogs.

One bright and sunny day, we were walking to the park to meet up with our mother’s group. I was going on and on to the mum we were with about how much you love dogs. As we approached our group camped out on the grass, we realised that one of the other mums had brought her puppy. ‘Yes!’ I thought to myself, ‘now everyone will see how cute you are around dogs – J | A | C | K | P | O | T!’ The puppy ran straight up to you sitting in your pram, jumped up and licked you on the cheek. You looked startled for about three seconds. Then you burst into tears and wouldn’t stop screaming for the next five minutes. You did not let me put you down for the entire catch up.

Is it embarrassing when your baby twerks? Post continues after the video...

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Video via “Zoe

2. The time you faked being done with your day bottles.

A few weeks later, we were hangin’ out in the local library, once again, with our #squadgoals mummy group. We were chatting all things baby while you guys crawled around devouring each other’s half-eaten sandwiches. I was busy telling everyone how you had decided to drop all your day bottles in one hit and how you were pretty much eating three square meals a day like a proper little human. You really, really hadn’t been wanting your bottles. I swear. I had tried in vain for WEEKS to feed them to you at your usual times but you refused each and every one.

Of course as I was telling them about your new dietary habits, we turned to look at you. You were in the lap of another baby literally trying to eat their bottle of milk. You looked slightly deranged - like I had deprived you of milk for months. You wouldn’t let up. The other baby was starting to get pretty peeved. Yep. You had all of sudden developed a hankering for some milk. Right after I had told everyone you no longer drink milk. And I had not brought any milk with me. BECAUSE YOU WERE NO LONGER DRINKING MILK.

3.The day your fever miraculously disappeared.

Then of course there was that day you woke up and screamed the ENTIRE morning, so I took your temperature and it came up as 39°C. Frantically I called the doctor and begged them to fit you in immediately. They did. So off to the docs we raced breaking every speed limit along the way. When we got there, you looked like this:

See? Angelic. Image via iStock.

4.The time you ditched me for a new family.

I fondly remember the time I tried to do something extra special and took you to a mums’ and bubs’ music class. You showed your appreciation for this by joining another family. When it came time for the mothers to lay their babies in front of them, make eye contact with them, and sing to them, I pulled you over to me but you crawled straight back to your new posse. You rested your head in the lap of their little boy, kicked your little legs around, and played with a toy you’d found on the ground. His parents smiled down lovingly at you both – envisioning your new future together – and I sat off to the side. On my own. Singing to nobody.

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5.The time you were ravenous at lunch time.

During another fun mother’s group catch-up I was rambling away about how you don’t really have a lunch ‘time’ - just such a chill baby going with the flow. I also mentioned how distracted you get because you have such an active mind (of course) - meaning you can’t eat in public.

I was on fire that day and went on and on about how I make ALL your food at home and just freeze it in batches. Sh*t, I may as well have been wearing a sign on my forehead saying: ‘Regular Martha Stewart Over Here’. At midday, you ate lunch with all the other ‘routine’ babies. You smashed all the food I had brought with me - even though we were in an indoor play-centre and there were about 1017 distractions.

And yep, all the food was store-bought because I didn’t think you’d eat, so I just brought our emergency stash. Maybe I made myself look like an idiot on this particular occasion - who knows? But you’re a baby and can’t argue. So I blame you – you made me look like an idiot that day.

Basically.

6. The time when you didn't realise you had already eaten a truck load.

On the topic of food remember that time I took you to your cousin’s house for a play date and she was eating her lunch when we got there? Remember this one? Your aunty asked if you would like to eat too and I responded with ‘No, she just had a MASSIVE lunch’. Which you had.

As soon as I put you down though, you crawled up to your cousin, took a piece of pizza off her plate and started eating. In fact she quickly abandoned her lunch in favour of a Wiggles DVD so you polished off her meal the way a starving child who hadn’t eaten in six years would.

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7. The time you forgot what you favourite fruit was.

Then there was that time I told ALL the people that your favourite fruit is banana and how you don’t like blueberries. Because up until that point, your favourite fruit was banana and you did not like blueberries. See where I’m going with this?

I was serving a fruit platter at the time – we had just hosted a lovely Saturday afternoon BBQ. You decided to make a beeline straight for the blueberries. I will never forget the way you looked that day – you were popping those babies into your little mouth one-by-one without even pausing for breath or stopping to chew.

At one point we called your name and you turned to smile at us. Not one, but two whole, uneaten blueberries fell out of your mouth. And your mouth was STILL FULL OF BLUEBERRIES. I mean, you must have had like 36 of them in there. You then quickly picked up the two that had fallen out and demolished those too.

embarrassing child moments
Yep, you ate ALL the blueberries. Image via iStock.

You know, I always thought I was an intelligent woman. I have a couple of degrees up my sleeve. I can speak eloquently after my first three coffees of the day. I enjoy heated discussions about politics every four years or so. But since you came along I have certainly been made to look the fool on a number of occasions.

But you know what? For every single one of those instances where I am left feeling like a complete and utter twat, there are another 15 I feel so incredibly proud of you I could just pop. But that’s another story for another day.

What has your baby done to embarrass you?

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