I hate to throw the words “earth-altering” and “ohmigoshwow” around lightly, but last night’s episode of The Bachelor, and the subsequent sex fiasco that came (ha) from it, has me both applauding and lamenting the genius that is the production behind the show.
Australia was a little bit like an exhausted puppy this morning, chasing its tail in circles and circles and circles, doing more than a few 360s in trying to decipher whether Matty and Elora really had sex on their date last night.
Because who said talking about strangers having sex on reality TV doesn’t make you smarter? (It doesn’t, but we’re here anyway. So off we go!)
In the spirit of brilliant journalism, stuff that makes you smarter, here’s a thorough investigation as to whether the trigger was pulled on, um, a certain yoghurt gun last night.
Listen: Need to debrief more about all things Bachelor related? Michelle Andrews and I go deep on the latest episode of Bach Chat.
- If we’re being serious, if they went their separate ways, why didn’t they show us that? That would have been great television. Matty would’ve just been like ‘Oh, nah, sorry’ and then it would’ve been almost as awkward as Sharlene trying to crack a joke about being a caterer or something of the sort.
- Elora is Tahitian = very exotic = exotic sex
- Two adults who haven’t had sex in at least a month…
- They referenced the fact they were sleeping in separate cottages a little bit too much for my liking. For example: “You go to YOUR bed”, this is “YOUR” cottage. It reminded me of the colleague who clearly chucks a sickie and mentions being sick one too many times the next day. Like, chill out on the lie. We heard you the first time. You were sick. Cough, cough. Peen, peen.
- It was just generally too suss. Why didn’t we see the door close?
- That passionate kiss at the door!!!!
- The very lame disclaimer/voiceover as Matty went for a run the next morning. Not very believable, sorry. (Also, he was sweating out all the demons. Also, his morning run was a metaphor for him running into her…I’ll stop there.)
- OK all of the arguments from above work for the against argument too. Why? Because it may mean the producers are trying WAY too hard to make us think it was happening. It's all a big ploy.
- There are 13 girls left. It would be kind of mean. And would therefore ruin Matty's brand.
- Osher Gunsberg told Mamamia there was no sex on The Bachelor, in an interview with our TV podcast The Binge. To quote, he said: "I'm really grateful we don't do the fantasy suites. I don't know if Australia would be ready."
- Elora obviously doesn't win (ahem, she's blown out to $21 on Sportsbet's odds) and as if Matty wants to sit back and watch The Bachelor with his
new girlfriendLaura and explain why he got his disco stick out in week five with someone else?
- My Bach Chat co-host Michelle says "he wouldn't do that" because he is "not an idiot" who is a "respectable marketing manager who just loves his nephew".
- She also adds that this is a PR ploy for "stupid people" like "you" - she means me - so "they have a media storm". I think I am giving voice to said media storm. Perhaps she is right.
- Also, when I reached out to Channel 10 to ask this important, not at all embarrassingly trivial question, they laughed off the rumours, saying it was all addressed in the episode. Therefore, no sex.
So where did we land with it all?
I'm going to hazard a guess and say they didn't for the simple reasons a) Elora isn't going to win, and therefore it's très risqué for his member to, you know, be given a Bachelor overnight membership; b) I don't want to be put in Michelle's category of stupid people so I refuse to be tricked by the producers; and finally, c) Channel 10 says so.
Glad we got that sorted.
As you were.