There are few things in life that are more boring than listening to a bride talk about the chairs at her wedding reception. Wait, there are some things more – or at least equally – boring. Let me list them:
1. Listening to a bride talk about napkins.
Ecru or beige? And what shape should they be folded? Is a fan too retro? Should they be placed next to the plate or on top of it?
2. Listening to a bride talk about invitations or fonts of any kind.
Who knew it was possible for a grown woman to have many long conversations about cost/benefit analysis of the weight of cardboard? It’s possible.
Seriously. I tuned out when you said ‘Euphoria Script’.
3. Listening to a bride talk about seating plans.
And how she doesn’t want to have a singles table but all the tables need to have even numbers and if she puts two singles on a table with three other couples it will feel too much like she’s trying to set them up.
4. Listening to a bride talk about how she wants her bridesmaids hair to look.
And whether it’s unreasonable to ask her sister to lose the balayage so her hair looks more natural and timeless in the wedding photos instead of screaming 2014.
5. Listening to a bride talk about her wedding make-up.
Or, worse, her wedding make-up rehearsal.
6. Listening to a bride talk about bonbonierre.
And whether she should gift all her guests with a disc of the happy couple’s favourite music (hint: I don’t care about the song that was playing when you first made love and also yuck).
7. Listening to a bride debate the relative merits of reception venues.
And whether it’s worth trying to secure a discount by having the wedding on a Friday at 11am.
8. Listening to a bride angst over floral arrangements.
And how the centrepieces need to thematically tie in with the bridesmaids bouquets. Or do they?
9. Listening to a bride stress about how many bridesmaids she should have and who they should be.
Because even though it will be political if she doesn’t include her prospective sister-in-law, she’s just announced her pregnancy and that is really going to make it hard to go with the bridesmaids’ dresses she’s already picked.
I could go on.
First though, let me tell you a couple of things about myself, for context. I am married. I was married six years ago and my wedding was fine. Lovely. Fun party. But I wasn’t particularly obsessed with my own wedding so it’s not surprising that my tolerance for the obsessive interest shown by most brides in their weddings is admittedly low.