5.30amI start the day even earlier than this. Maybe 5. Maybe 4.30. Believe me. What I’ll say is, it’s earlier than everyone else. Millions of hours earlier. I wake up hours before Hillary. When Hillary’s going to bed, I’ve already woken up. I’ve already woken up twice or three times before then.

6amI watch CNN, Fox News and Morning Joe, which is a joke show full of fake news put on by the MSNBC to tell lies to the American public about their favourite president (me).

Listen: Mia Freedman and Amelia Lester deep-dive on Trump’s artery-clogging diet. (Post continues…)

6.30amI wash and dry my hair. I am tremendously handsome so this isn’t necessary.

7.30amI don’t eat breakfast often. I’m a dinner man. If I have to eat breakfast, I eat bacon. Bacon is billions and billions of times better than other breakfasts. Pigs are making America great again.

8amI drink a Diet Coke. I drink 12 cans of Diet Coke a day. I once said that I’d only ever seen fat people drinking Diet Coke so I’m not really sure where that leaves me now, but instead of thinking about it I find it helps to just drink more Diet Coke.

8.30amI’m still watching Fox News. I watch Fox News eight hours a day. I can watch Fox News all the time, except when I’m reading some documents. As the President, I often read documents. I am a very good reader. I have always been tremendously good at reading. That’s why the documents don’t take me very long.

9amI drink a Diet Coke. I don’t exercise at all. I understand that exercise makes people die early. Think about this: I am still alive and some people who have exercised are dead. That speaks for itself.

10amI drink a Diet Coke.

11amI drink a Diet Coke.

12pmFor lunch I head to McDonald’s. I like getting food from fast food restaurants because it comes in the same shape and size every time, which I find comforting. I order two Filet-o-Fishes, two Big Macs and one chocolate milkshake. It is tremendously good. I can eat all this and not get fat because I have magic genes. It’s in my blood. I’m not a fatty. That would be disgusting.

1pmI drink a Diet Coke.

2pmI drink a Diet Coke.

3pmI drink a Diet Coke.

3.30pmI have some Oreos as a snack.

4pmI drink a Diet Coke.

5pmI drink a Diet Coke.

6pmI drink a Diet Coke.

7pmI drink a Diet Coke.

8pmI drink my last Diet Coke with dinner. I never drink alcohol because my brain capacity is so high and I don’t want to ruin it. For dinner, I have a well-done steak, very well-done, with a boat of gravy and a salad with bacon and blue cheese dressing. A salad without bacon is not food, so I don’t eat it.

8.30pmFor dessert I eat a big slice of cake or pie with a large scoop of ice cream. Maybe another Diet Coke.

10pmI take an aspirin to control my cholesterol. Those fake news outlets say I’m not health conscious. Well, I’m health conscious. I am tremendously conscious of my health.

2amI’m still awake watching TV. I mean reading documents. I mean, I already read all my documents, I’m taking a well-earned break and watching some TV now. I don’t get time to watch much TV. I am the President.

Listen: Mia Freedman and Amelia Lester celebrate a week that was brilliant for everyone who isn’t Donald Trump.