An important post this White Ribbon Day.
Trigger warning: This post deals with domestic violence and may be triggering for some readers.
I’m 35 years old, have studied psychology at a postgraduate level and was raised in a middle-class, moderate two parent family. I am a mother, I pay a mortgage, I’m a reasonably health conscious woman. I have the unpleasant experience of a broken marriage behind me and I’ve been relatively and deliberately private about it.
I know my rights, I know what constitutes domestic violence and I have a fairly acute theoretical understanding of gender inequality alongside an understated feminist streak.
Last week I found myself bruised, battered and underneath an X-ray machine because a man decided to exercise his physical power over me. And I didn’t see it coming.
I am more equipped than most to predict this kind of behaviour. I wrote a thesis on it. I’ve seen it all before. And I didn’t see it coming.
This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever shared…
I’m worried I’ll regret it. I’m worried that this may seem trivial in comparison to what others have endured. I’m worried about what my friends will think, my family. I’m worried about what my male friends will think. I’m very worried I’ll be more compromised (further than my single-thirty-something-mother status) in finding a future partner.
But I’m doing it. I’m doing it because I don’t want to perpetuate the secrecy, and then in some way, the increasing acceptance of the way violence against women has been quietly absorbed into our culture. Women aren’t stereotypically great owners of their bravery but we need to be. We need to be brave to counter the cowardice of our perpetrators. I don’t feel remotely brave but I want to force myself into it, to show that man who assumed I wasn’t and relied upon that assumption that he was wrong. I want to force myself because he was very nearly right.
Because, apart from total shock and upset, my initial reaction was to keep it a secret. I let him stay in my house (for too long) and explain his ‘side’ and crawl back into my bed, lay beside me and hug me close. And for this time I wholly considered staying in the relationship. I was going to share the blame for it (because maybe he had a point…I shouldn’t have left, I shouldn’t have cried, I shouldn’t have stood where I did). He was sorry. He never meant to hurt me. He would never do something like that.
Top Comments
It's vital that women do not remain silent. And attempting to silence women from opening up about domestic violence is actually a form of abuse in itself, It becomes yet another painful part of a woman's experience of domestic violence. So when we're discussing the specific phenomena of male violence against women in a domestic situation/intimate relationships, its not helpful or polite to come into the convo to go off on a tangent of "but men are victims too" or "not all men". Trust me, we do know this. However, using women's experiences to launch your own agenda, to take focus away from their experiences is not only rude but another attempt to silence us. That's often what's happening when the Men's Rights comments show up in these discussions. The people who write them have an agenda to derail, to silence women, and to get attention for themselves. (They also have an uncanny aptitude for doing this within minutes of a DV topic appearing). It's disappointing how often they succeed.
I'm hoping that this White Ribbon Day (but not only today) men think carefully about their contributions to the discussion, be considerate, and support the campaign.
Apart from the actual abusers, who is silencing women from speaking out?
I get what you are saying and for a lot of stories you might be right, but when there are stories such as Malcolm Turnbull speaking out against DV, and only speaking about women victims, it really does need to be commented on.
I also disagree the MRA's want to silence and derail. What they want to do is expand what is being discussed. Many of the solutions for DV against women would also be used for DV against men, so why can't they be discussed together?
You say 'trust me, we do know this' about how not all men and men are victims too, but I'm not sure everyone does. When MRA's make those comments we get a lot of comments back saying how it isn't an issue, or it's too small to worry about, or that most of the violence is from another man.
Well, it (female against male violence) is an issue, no violence is "too small" to be concerning, no people are too few to care about. Those people are wrong to be dismissive of men's experiences and wrong to veer away from the discussion.. It must be frustrating and, obviously, does not feel good. So I appreciate that you empathise with how we feel when it happens to us (women) as well. As someone who is loathes violence, and likes people, I support those who are active in opposing violence.
Teaching young girls the value of independence is crucial, the sense that they can lead a good life with or without a man, that they own themselves, they can look after themselves, that no one can save another from their demons, that there are options...plus more. But I would never judge a woman for staying, rather just hope that they find a way out.