By MAMAMIA TEAM
Do you ever take off your underwear to find little scorch marks on the crotch region?
Do you ever feel itchy or uncomfortable “down there“? And not like the thrush kind of uncomfortable – the there-could-be-a-dark-spirit-in-my-nether-regions kind of uncomfortable?
Do you ever hear voices whispering strange things to you in the middle of the night? Have you been attracting significant amounts of bad luck in your life and particularly IN THE BEDROOM? Do you have a vengeful ex-boyfriend or crush that is particularly proficient with curses?
The cause? You have DEMONS in your vagina!
That’s right. Vagina demons are a thing. No longer content to exist in old fireplaces or gravestones or, you know, hell, they are crawling to the warm, safe region that is just past your vulva.
But there’s no need to worry because for the small price of just $3,300, your vagina demons can be exorcised so that they never bother you again!
That’s not all – the first 300 callers will get an actual TAOIST PRIEST as their exorcist, to guarantee the greatest methods of success! Taoists priests have special supernatural powers and are much more effective than, you know, regular priests.
It’s so fast and easy – all you need to do is find yourself a hotel room, dress yourself in lingerie, and allow your body to be examined closely with a penis.
Call 1800EXORCISEME and have your credit card number ready to order now.
Or… you know.. don’t. Because Vagina Demons are kind of a messed up concept.
You may think that we’re making all this up. But in what might just be the craziest news story to come out of Guangzhou, China, recently, all of the above ACTUALLY happened to a woman working in a feng shui store.
A man actually came in, pretending to be a Taoist priest and told her that he saw a demon in her vagina. He told her that it was part of a curse placed on her by the object of her affection, and that only he could remove it.
20,000 yuan later (about $3,300) and a rented hotel room later, the priest had sex with the woman, after telling her that it would be the only thing to get rid of the demon – but that it wouldn’t count, because:
a) He was wearing a condom,
b) Taoist priests cannot have sex and therefore he wasn’t having sex.
That’s like saying that you’re a vegetarian and therefore eating meat doesn’t mean you’re eating meat. What. WHAT.
Anyway – while the woman originally agreed to the terms, believing that he was an actual priest that knew what he was going on about – she later became suspicious and reported the fake exorcism to the police.
The priest is now claiming innocence based on the idea that there are things that “metaphysics and science cannot explain.”
Lessons to take from this story, kids?
1) There are some messed up people in the world.
2) If anyone ever tells you there is a demon in your vagina – they are lying. Demons do not go in vaginas.
3) If anyone ever tells you that exorcisms involve penises – they are lying. Go watch The Exorcist if you need clarification.
4) We hope this Taoist dodgy priest goes to jail. What a knobcloud.
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