By Michael J. Russer for The Good Men Project.
I remember so clearly how wonderful things were with my wife and I for the first three years of our marriage. Though we were working ungodly hours every day building a successful business together, we loved every minute of it. And, we NEVER fought.
I also remember telling her, as we prepared to have children, we must always be aware that it is our special bond and relationship that is bringing them into the world. This beautiful, essential thing we have together must never become diminished in any way just because we are having kids.
So romantic, so idealistic, so… wrong.
Everything changes with kids.
Right. Well that pep talk went right out the window with a whack on the bottom of our beautiful firstborn daughter as she cried out in no uncertain terms that she had just arrived in our world. And things just went downhill from there.
Like most new parents, we had no idea on what to expect with this new bundle of joy (despite all the books we read). On top of all that refined cluelessness, our new daughter made things so much more interesting by being incessantly colicky.
She just would not stop crying unless one of us held and gently rocked her — like all the freak’n time. Just perfect for those come-hither glances I gave my wife when I was feeling frisky (which was all the time, too) only to have her return with the “You’ve GOT to be kidding me!” stare.
One that included the oh-so subtle but supremely effective subtext of “You selfish bastard — how can you possibly be thinking about sex when our daughter is in distress!”
Watch: Ben Fordham talks about being a dad. (Post continues after video.)
I know, I was a complete idiot for even thinking about having sex during the day. The only problem was, the nights were worse.
You see, for the first 18 months, our daughter would not sleep unless she was in our bed – seriously. And by the time we figured out how to have her sleep quietly in her own crib, the cracks in our relationship already started to form.
Top Comments
OMG this sounds so much like our relationship that my husband could have written the article. We've been married for 25 years & have 2 kids, a daughter first, then a son. He is self employed & has buried himself into his work. No intamacy in our relationship, I haven't been interested in sex since the kids were born. My youngest is now 11! It's a relief to know that there are others who haven't had sex for many years. My husband just tells me that I'm abnormal & has given up hope after pressuring me over a long period of time. We have talked about ending it many times but just stick it out for the sake of the kids. We are both miserable but are too scared to make a move, we've been together since we were 18!
Get help or get a divorce! You are not abnormal! You both deserve to be happy!
We have children, all 4 of them had severe reflux, and the 4th also had colic. We knew that if we didn't maintain our relationship then we would be toast. So we worked at it. DH helped out whenever he could, he seemed to realise that helping out was far better than a grand romantic gesture, and that would end in "happy" times for both of us. The youngest is now 3, and while she stumbles into our bed most nights, we still make time for us. The spark is still alive.