I think a lot about women who have suffered miscarriages. So many of them had either planned or knowingly anticipated the arrival of their babies. I still can’t imagine the depth of their pain, because my miscarriage was unknown and definitely not anticipated.
It’s okay, I wasn’t invested … or so I was told.
For almost a year now I have been blocking the whole situation out because I never really felt like it mattered. I saw no pink lines, no ultrasound. What I saw was nothing but blood and something I had passed in the toilet. I wouldn’t even call it a baby; I couldn’t have been any more than 4 weeks.
It is funny how so many people shrug off miscarriages due to an unknown pregnancy. So many people thought I was okay because I had no knowledge of the pregnancy, therefore I had no attachment to it. I seem to recall feeling differently.
It was an average day, my boyfriend and I thought we’d spend the day in bed watching movies and talking. It was cosy and sweet … until I sat up to go to the bathroom.
“Holy shit, are you okay?!” my boyfriend said just as I turned around and looked down to see a puddle of blood that had seemingly come out of nowhere. I remember my instincts saying “miscarriage”. I rushed to the bathroom.
My friend took me to the doctor. I sat in the waiting room completely shaken, trying to process what had just happened. I suffer from PCOS and had not had a period since I had to go off the Pill, so the doctor just assumed that’s what it was.
I was content to write it off as a period until I was doing the dishes later that afternoon, when all of a sudden I was overcome with a nasty abdominal cramp. I went and sat on the toilet. I won’t get too graphic, but when I got back up I saw something in the bowl that I’d never passed before (or since, for that matter.) .
For the following few weeks I was exhausted and anxious. My legs and feet were killing me. I felt physically traumatised enough, but my mental state was absolutely shocking for months after. For such a long time after, I looked down at my sheets to make sure it hadn’t happened again.