It reads almost like satire. Beyonce, Queen of the entertainment industry and perhaps the whole world, bitten – on the face, no less – by an anonymous high-profile actress at a Hollywood party.
What a weird thing to do, what a strange story to tell.
Actress Tiffany Haddish, of Girls Trip fame, told Caity Weaver at GQ last December the unnamed actress bit the Queen of the world without warning or fanfare.
“There was this actress there that’s just, like, doing the mostest.
“She bit Beyoncé in the face.
“So Beyoncé stormed away,” Haddish told Weaver, “went up to Jay-Z, and was like, ‘Jay! Come here! This bitch—’ and snatched him. They went to the back of the room. I was like, ‘What just happened?’ And Beyoncé’s friend walked up and was like, ‘Can you believe this bitch just bit Beyoncé?’ ”
“And so then… a lot of things happened.
“Near the end of the party, Beyoncé’s at the bar, so I said to Beyoncé, ‘Did she really bite you?’ She was like, ‘Yeah.’ I was like, ‘She gonna get her ass beat tonight.’ She was like, ‘Tiffany, no. Don’t do that. That bitch is on drugs. She not even drunk. The bitch is on drugs. She not like that all the time. Just chill.’ ”
No, really. A true story and one for the ages.
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Naturally, the ensuing conversation was adorned with its own hashtag: #WhoBitBeyonce.
So who actually bit Beyonce? We present some cases, covered in baseless facts and outlandish speculation.
We’re starting, of course, with the odds. According to bookmaker Paddy Power, Dunham is the favourite to be unveiled as Beyonce Biter, with odds at 2/1.
You truly can’t make this sh*t up.
She’s coming in second with the bookmakers, but we’re settling on Sanaa being the likely suspect, after “multiple sources” confirmed to TMZ she was, in fact, the biter.
And excuse us, but when have multiple anonymous sources EVER been wrong?
You know what they say, right? It’s always the ones you don’t expect…
Gwyneth Paltrow is the third in line according to Paddy Power, with odds of 6/1. Maybe a few too many of those thousand-dollar Goop crystals went to her head?
Look. She might not be the bookies favourite, but the general rogue factor of Jennifer Lawrence leads us to believe she’s a dark horse for the title.
Becky with the Good Hair
You know, for obvious reasons, though one much harder to nail down. Considering we don’t yet know the identity of Becky with the Good Hair, and we don’t yet know the identity of Beyonce Biter, this slowly becoming a riddle I’m unable to solve due to lack of resources. Or, you know, any sources.
Teigen is being VERY chirpy about this story.
First, it was this: “I cannot leave this planet without knowing who bit Beyonce in the face,” she tweeted. “I can only think of one person who would do this. but I cannot say. but she….is the worst.”
Haha! Because what better way to deflect attention than to pretend you don’t know.
And then, there was this:
You know what else is a curse? GUILT. Just saying.
WHOEVER SMELT IT DEALT IT.