Introducing the biggest crime against office etiquette: desk spreading.

I’m facing a serious issue at work.

No, no one’s stealing my favourite mug or taking my lunch. Heck, my pen even remains untouched and neatly rests on my notepad when I walk in to the office each morning.

My problem is more serious. It’s spreaders. They are everywhere.

If you don’t work in an open plan office you probably don’t understand what I mean. So please, have mercy on the poor souls who do.

As well as colleagues, housemates have pretty terrible habits too. Post continues after video…

Our cublicle-less office has as many perks as it does detriments. Being able to easily chat to your colleagues and superiors about the menial parts of your life? A win. Hot-desking so you can sit an inch away from your work wife? Fantastic.

But having your peers spread their stuff over their desk and on to yours? That’s when you know they’ve crossed the line.

Case in point, here is my desk. Relatively mess-free:

Here is my colleague's desk. Quite possibly the cleanest work space you've ever seen.

And then here is my boss's desk.

As you can see, she's a seasoned spreader. That Nutri-Grain box? It's been sitting there, opened for two months. TWO MONTHS. I am too scared to look inside for fear of the creatures that may be lurking within. And the worst part, not only does she spread to the sides, but outwards too.


Yep, she's encroaching on my desk. And it needs to stop.


Or does it? A recent study by the University of Minnesota concluded, “Orderly environments promote convention and healthy choices... Disorderly environments stimulate creativity.”

Ah yes, all that space for creative thinking.

Are my messy desk mates really just the creative hub of the table? They would like to think so, but guys, if you're going to be messy please just keep it within your set parameters. Thank you.

Besides spreading, there are many other things that need to be addressed when it comes to office etiquette:


Kill everyone with kindness. Or leave anonymous passive-aggressive notes. That works too.

Clean up after yourself in the kitchen or bathroom. If the dishwasher is full and dirty? Turn it on.

Keep you shit in order. Your desk doesn’t belong on Hoarders.


Also, earphones were invented for a reason.


Never, ever take someone else's food. You are not 8 years old. If you like the look of what they are having, politely ask them what it is so you can recreate it yourself. If you're lucky, they may even give you a bite.

Also, please don't hog a whole level of the fridge with the salad ingredients you're making for lunch. Other people need the fridge too.

If you think microwaving fish is a good idea, you are delusional and your co-workers will continue to bring up the time you caused a putrid stench to waft through the office for years to come.


Change the goddamn toilet roll if you finish it. And putting a new toilet roll on top of a finished one, you are the worst kind of person.

Toilet brushes exist for a reason.

If you are sick, do not come to work.

And god forbid, if you cough or sneeze please cover your mouth. You monster.

Do not clip your nails at your desk. Or any personal grooming for that matter. That is disgusting.

Sticking to these simple guidelines will make everyone as happy to come to work as Leslie Knope from Parks and Recreation. And that's saying something.

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