Why do I miss you more today than I usually would on your birthday mum?
Is it because you would have been 70 and now I can’t imagine what you would be like? I know what you would be like because you would be the same beautiful, gracious, loving mum that I miss, just older.
But what else would you have learned, what would you be doing, where would you be living, I wonder about all these things, even though they are pretty irrelevant. I also wonder how my life would have been different if you didn’t die.
I don’t know how you would have aged. As I begin to feel older, I know the varied effects of age are mostly unwelcome, I wonder how you would have fared so far.
Would you have been well? I assume you would have been, because you always were, but I’ll never know. I am grateful that you will never know the ravages of cancer or the cruel oblivion of Alzheimer’s, but still I wonder.
Sometimes I think about what you would have thought of me, of my life and my choices. There have been some tough times lately and I would love to ask you how you made it through the bad times that I remember as a child and how you felt. I want to ask you if I’m crazy some days. Without you, even though I am absolutely not, I feel alone.
I miss having you here at special times. The better life is, the more you are missing out on, so the more I miss you. There is a little hole in my joy every time because you can’t share it with me. Sarah, Sam and I try to be there for each other, you would be pretty proud of how we have managed that I think, we are rock solid but we can’t be there all the time.
When I think of you and Dad in a town house just down the street from work, and just being able to pop out to meet you for lunch, or drop in for dinner on the way home, or a hand with the house, with Connor or anything else that people’s mums do for them I get little pangs of jealousy followed by much bigger ones of sadness. You don’t get to do that, and I don’t get to have that.