Have you just made your transition into Single-Sally-Ville? Welcome.

Like me, who’s been off the market for the last six years, you might have realised that shit has changed in the dating world. Majorly. And I’ve learnt a few things about the weird and wonderful single life in 2017 that I’d love to share with you.

So, apart from every person you know desperately thinking about who they know that’s STILL single for them to partner you with – cause that’s all it takes, right? You’re single, he’s single, perfect match! – here are some new trends that are just, well, screwed up.

‘Withholding the Dots’

You know the ones you watch and watch as they rotate around on your screen when someone is writing back to a message? Apparently, if someone sees these up on the screen too long, you come across as an over-thinker or as too eager. So, people are withholding the dots. Here’s how…

A post shared by Sophie Tiller (@serialtiller) on Sep 3, 2016 at 6:04am PDT

According to my single friends, the new thing is to curate the message in the ‘Notes’ section first and then copy and paste the message into the message chain, therefore cutting down on dot time. Leaving the message recipient to think how cool and calm you are about the whole thing. I didn’t even think about this I just typed it out and hit send! WHO HAS THE TIME?! Can’t we all just say what we think and let the chips fall where they may?

‘Bread Crumbing’

This one kills me. In a nutshell, the ‘bread crumber’ will send you flirty little messages, maybe a little DM action or the occasional Instagram like to keep you on the hook and interested just enough, but will never actually make a concrete move or commit to any plans. At the start you could be fooled into thinking, like me, they’re taking it slow; it’s a new world of technology.

But, frankly, I think they want their egos stroked by having someone interested in them for a few minutes without having to do any of the actual work. Eg. Put their balls on the line and ask you the hell out. (As a side note, I am always happy to put my boobs on the line and ask a guy out, although, I’ve found this still doesn’t work on the true bread crumber.) This is a modern He’s just not that into you. Bye, Felicia.

Dick Pics

This is new to some of us! So many questions on this one: What kind of guy is sending them? What is the desired response to a snap of the saus? Has ANY woman in the history of the world said, “Give me more of that, stat!”?

At least they’re sending the message right from the start – “I just want to bone you” and, also, “I’m a gross person.” Therefore you don’t have to wonder if they’re the one you’ll take home to Mum. Thanks for the heads up, pal (pun intended).

It baffles me to think we come in contact with guys, who have the potential to Penis Pap you, on a daily basis. Is John in accounts the kind of guy who does this? Or Nick at the desk next to me? Even if you were up for a quickie, do guys STILL not understand we’re not into it? Just in case, we’re not. Clear?

'Seen' Messages

This is essentially a rebuttal to 'Withholding the Dots' (see above). Guys turning on their seen messages function so you know when they’ve seen your message, but they don’t write back straight away! ON PURPOSE! I have heard this from a guy, first hand. It’s a thing. A really, really shitty thing. So you can wait. And wait. Maybe these guys deserve to be single.

EVERYONE is on Tinder

Everyone. Even the guy you’re seeing is on Tinder, and it’s like some huge f**king compliment if they hide their profile while they’re seeing you. Gee, thanks, you sure know how to make a gal feel special. Not only is everyone on it, but everyone has some magical fairytale about Tinder: “My brother met his wife on Tinder”, “Mr. Perfect was lived right around the corner” yada yada yada. And they’re all desperate for you to try it! “Are you on Tinder yet?” To live vicariously perhaps?

I’m not against it, in fact I kind of envy people who chuck themselves on there for fun and are fearless about it. But I also don’t want to fall into this trap that I see a lot of people in, talking to seven people on Tinder at the same time. Not one special or a stand out individual, just one of seven. Mindlessly chatting away so you don’t feel so alone. Don’t you think it takes the magic and mystery away from not knowing how or when that person will enter your life, when it’s as easy as downloading an app and flicking your finger across the screen?

If I could speak on behalf of the single fraternity – which no one has asked me to do, but YOLO – in a world of social media fakeness and staring at a screen, would it be too much to ask to be transparent and open with the people that are also putting themselves out there into the daunting single set? Think of it this way, we’re all going into this alone with the hope of coming out of it all not too battered and bruised and, hopefully…paired.

So let’s try to not be to dicky to the Single Sallys and Solo Simons along the way. A Kumbaya for the dating world.