A Dad's Confession: 'I don't love my kids more than my wife'

This dad wants to set a few things straight about ranking the loves of his life

I love my wife. I love my kids. But which one do I love more?

Strangely enough, that’s a question people are actually tackling because of a recent study that found 75% of mothers openly admit they love their kids more than their spouses. But if you ask me, I think the entire conversation is a load of crap.

I don’t love my kids more than my wife. I don’t love my wife more than my kids either. I love them each in very different ways, but I love them all completely and equally. And I think even attempting to quantify or rank that love is pointless, hurtful, and potentially harmful.

Where does the need to quantify and compare the love we have for our spouses and kids come from? I simply don’t understand the need to do so, and I’m flat out bamboozled by any parent who would actually brag about loving one more than the other. Despite what these mothers in the survey may think, they are not better mums because of their admission. They are, however, acting as questionable spouses.

Then there’s the argument of “who would you save in a fire – your wife or your kids?”

Every parent worth a lick will save their children. Every. Single. One. But that has nothing to do with who we love more. Parents are responsible for our kids because we are their caretakers. So if faced with this tragic choice, mothers and fathers would surely choose saving the children because that’s our job.

My family is my world. My wife is the most beautiful, caring, sexy, sensational person on the planet and I’m madly in love with her. My kids are a source of unimaginable joy and my life is enriched in countless ways with them in it. But they are a package deal, and asking me to choose which one I love more borders on the ridiculous.


Which begs the question, what are these mums in the survey thinking?

I understand there’s enormous societal pressure on mothers to be “Super Mums” and do EVERYTHING for their kids all of the time, but that shouldn’t entail degrading the love for a spouse in favour of kids. As partners and parents, we can do both. We can love our kids more without loving our spouses less. I have to believe these mums who so eagerly love their kids more are either 1) in unhappy marriages, or 2) giving the answer they think they are supposed to give.

I know some will accuse me of sounding whiny, but I’d be pretty concerned if my wife said she definitively loves the kids more than she loves me. Keeping my marriage happy and healthy is a crucial part of creating a positive environment for our kids. Having children already increases the chances of turning a husband/wife into a roommate who passes in the night with nary a word, no need to risk hurrying that process along.

So let’s just stop trying to answer a question that doesn’t have to be answered. Love your families – your kids AND your spouses – with the white passion of 1,000 suns. Work on being a good parent and keeping your marriage fresh. Because saying you love one more than the other is only going to cause unnecessary angst.

Daddy blogger, Aaron Gouveia, is a contributing writer for iVillage AU. Follow his blog, The Daddy Files, and on Twitter.

Who comes first in your family? Your partner or your kids?