We’ve all lied on a CV. Well, at least fudged one a little. A ‘proficient in Excel’ here, a ‘PhD in microbiology’ there. It’s a pretty routine way of cutting through the towering pile of applicants.
But a fed-up British dad has taken the opposite tack while helping his teenage daughter prepare her first résumé: brutal honesty.
Lauren Moore from Redcar, North Yorkshire, shared the result to Twitter, with the caption, “Remind me not to let my dad do my CV for me.”
Writing from experience as her boss at Ian Guest Mortgage Advice Services, the dad listed the 16-year-old’s experience, attributes and capabilities.
In her role as an Office Assistant, for example, her responsibilities included: “getting on [her] father’s tits, not listening, browsing Facebook, losing all documentation, [and] giving out clients’ information to fraudsters.”
Still, Lauren has clocked some time doing voluntary gardening work, during which she reportedly displayed an aptitude for "chopping colleagues' toes off with a spade" and "f****ing everything up".
According to the CV, should you be interested in hiring Lauren, you will discover she possesses a diverse range of skills and personal qualities that she can bring to any role. Among them, being "lazy, late, reluctant, ignorant, rude". She also has a passionate hatred of mornings and people, and can capably demonstrate either.
Despite having "f*** all" interests, Lauren has studied English, mathematics, art, science and French, some of which it's expected she may even pass.
And should a prospective employer require verification of any of these assertions, they can contact "Ben Dover, probation officer". (On second thoughts, "Don't contact him. He doesn't give a f*** either.)
Responding to the comments from bemused followers, Lauren wrote that her father was "trying to get on my good side by being unfunny".
Then added, "Someone hire me now."
But no, thanks.
We'd rather keep our toes.