fashion

The new swimwear trend that's made us reaaaaally confused.

There’s no other way to say this, so I’ll just jump straight in.

If there is one fabric I didn’t expect to see on a pair of swimmers it’s velvet.

It’s soft, it’s snuggly….but I’m pretty sure it’s not designed for cannonballing into your backyard pool.

Stroking a piece of velvet in times of stress because it just FEELS SO NICE? Yes.

Running through the surf in a fuzzy bikini while avoiding seaweed and blue bottles? NO.

That’s why I was so surprised to discover that the latest swimwear trend is made of the same stuff as my scrunchie in the ’90s.

TORRI The New Velvet One Piece Italian Swim Velvet In Hot Pink, Silver + Violet Shop Now

A photo posted by TRIANGL (@triangl) on

SO SOFT, SO IMPRACTICAL.

… Or is it?

The brand that designed the velvety swimsuit in question, Triangl Swim, has reassured Mamamia the fabric is in fact ‘Italian Velvet’ (very fancy), which is totally “suitable for water activities”.

Well, there ya have it, folks! Velvet bathers are officially a thing, and they’re coming to a summer wardrobe near you.

Still, gone are the days when spandex and neoprene were the go-to fabrics for all things swim and surf related. Now, the trend seems to be: the crazier the design, the better.

I once had a bikini that featured a big, metal, golden tassel right in the middle of my chest. It was pretty. It almost hung down to my belly button and made me feel like I was Kim Kardashian, circa 2009 (read: it was pretty bling-tastic).

But as fab as I thought I looked while I snapped selfies and lounged in the sun, there was one problem: two pool dips and one frolic in the surf later, that shiny, gold tassle had turned…green.

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Let’s just say my relationship with that pair of swimmers was quickly over.

There also exists such things as SUEDE bikinis, even though the NUMBER ONE RULE of wearing anything suede is that you DON’T GET IT WET.

suede bikini
This is made for swimming but with the caveat that you DO NOT EVER GET IT WET. (Image via Instagram)

Here are some other examples of swimwear trends that JUST NEED TO STOP.

Random fabric tassels: Sure to get super tangly when a big set of waves come through. Or when you fall of your giant inflatable flamingo, because that never looks glamorous and is bound to result in knots.

  • Shells: Cool on Ariel, probably super stabby and painful on a regular human body.
shell bikini
This looks very, very painful. Image via Instagram.
  • Cut-outs: An A+ for your Instagram game, an F for your tan lines.
  • Crochet: HOW DOES THIS EVEN GET DRY?! Also, I do not trust something that has been knitted together to properly cover the appropriate bits and pieces.
  • Off-the-shoulder: This seems...awfully risky.

Of course, you're welcome to wear whatever style and shape, complete with as much embellishment as you like. You do you.

All I know is that when I dive into a pool, I'll be wearing something that won't hate me for doing so.