If you’re not dealing with other people’s bodily functions and fluids on a daily basis, how do you know you’re even a parent?
That’s something writer Constance Hall, 35, who’s mum to Billie-Violet, Arlo-Love, twins Rumi and Snow – from her first marriage – and Raja, and step-kids Zeyke and Sunny with her husband Denim Cooke, knows all too well.
But one morning this week, she had a Battle Royale with her kids’ bodily fluids – and, maintaining her trademark refreshing honesty, she shared her experience on Instagram.
Posting a cheeky photo of herself making a “sshh” gesture, Hall described how her morning went to…crap.
“Oh man I did not sleep. Raja was literally up every 20 minutes, crying for boob but he couldn’t drink because he had a blocked nose so he would just continue to try… and cry,” she began the post.
“And then I smelt that he had shat.. and I motioned to Denzy to get me a nappy.. At that exact point Rumi woke up, walked around down stairs and screamed “mum Peaches has poi’s all over the house!!!!!”
But that wasn’t the end of it by any means.
View this post on Instagram
Oh man I did not sleep. ???? Raja was literally up every 20 minutes, crying for boob but he couldn’t drink because he had a blocked nose so he would just continue to try… and cry… ???? And then I smelt that he had shat.. and I motioned to Denzy to get me a nappy.. ???? At that exact point Rumi woke up, walked around down stairs and screamed “mum Peaches has poi’s all over the house!!!!!” ???? Great. It’s gonna be a great day. ???? So I pulled off Raja’s nappy and as suspected there was poo everywhere. 2 days of constipation.. over, he’ll need a change of clothes. ???? And as Denz went to get me the change of clothes Billie-Violet yelled out to me… ???? “Mum!!!! Snow wee’d on the floor. It’s all over her pants!” ???? And Snow screamed “no I didn’t!!” In the usual angry denial that my children bless me with when they have in fact pissed or shat themselves. ???? “I’ll deal with it, gimme a second!” I yelled. ???? Looking at Raja’s bum I lifted his two legs with one hand, and with a nappy wipe in the other started to wipe his bum clean, at that very time I felt a suspicious tightening of his core that I could only relate to pushing…. ???? No… ???? Yes… Oh yes. ???? He pushed out more thick yellow poo then I’ve ever seen a baby do and it went all over yours truly. ???? Here’s the thing.. I sleep naked, so I was cleaning him with my legs crossed on my bed and his shit went all over my tits, my tummy, my pubes and yes… inside me. ???? I looked like someone who had just lost a live game show and had a bucket of shit thrown at them. But it was so much worse because I could feel it slopping around my poor old vag and the first thought that went through my head was THRUSH. Denzy’s never seen me move so fast, I jumped into that shower as he dealt with Raja and I basically douched myself. ???? This was all before 7am. ???? I cannot imagine what other weird and wondrous events this day of running on no sleep at all has install for me. ???? For now. Me and my rotten fanny are hiding in the twins room until Denim has driven everyone to school so I can go to work and fall asleep at my desk. #queening