lifestyle

An Arctic cold front is heading for South East Australia and no one is going to be warm ever again.

Brace yourselves, (most of) Australia.

Okay I don’t want to be an alarmist, but there is an Arctic cold front heading for south east Australia and NO ONE IS GOING TO BE WARM EVER AGAIN.

The cold snap, which is expected to hit this weekend, will see the mercury drop below zero in several locations across New South Wales, Victoria and Tasmania — but the freeze could be felt as far north as Queensland.

The Bureau of Meteorology says it could be the most widespread outbreak of frigid conditions in fifteen years, which is great news for snow-goers and bad news for pretty much everyone else.

Heavy falls can expected in Alpine regions of Victoria and New South Wales, but might even fall in some Melbourne suburbs.

Melburnians can also expect rain, hail and blizzard-like conditions. Lucky us.

It won’t be THAT cold though, like, in the grand scheme of things. Sunday will be the coldest day for the city with an expected top of 11 degrees and low of 5.

Yeah get a grip, Melbourne. Londoners would be taking their tops off right about now. **BUILDS A FORT OUT OF SCARVES**

As for Sydney they can expect a sweltering maximum temperature of 15 and a low of 8, which is coincidentally the top expected temperature for Canberra. Jokes on Canberra.

I think now is also the time to remind everyone that New York just lived through it’s coldest February month in EIGHTY-ONE YEARS.

We CAN do this.

Here are some ideas to keep you warm this weekend:

STAY IN BED. Just don’t get out of bed.

If you do get out of bed to collect your Menulog, for the love of god do NOT go outside.

Take a bath or five.

SPIKE ALL OF YOUR DRINKS WITH WHISKY.

Drink tea (WITH WHISKY IN IT).

Hug a small furry animal. If you don’t have one, BORROW ONE. There is still time.

WEAR ALL OF YOUR CLOTHES AT ONCE.

Like this.

Toast marshmallows on your stove.

Toast marshmallows on your heater.

Put marshmallows in your whisky.

Construct a body suit from still-warm, partially melted marshmallows.

I’m sorry, I lied. NONE of is going to help you. Say goodbye to your toes.

You’re on your own, Australia.

I am going to Japan.

Want more? Try these:

Pray For London: Heatwave sees temperatures hit low to mid thirties.

A meteorologist explains the NSW storm (in a way you’ll understand).

The most hair-raising photos from the NSW storm.

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