People order some really, really stupid drinks at cafes.
We’ve all been guilty of it and we’ve all been witness to it. The abundance of hipster cafes across Sydney alone is enough encouragement for anyone to branch further and further away from a normal coffee.
In a quest to define ourselves through meaningless and trivial data about our personal lives, websites often fluff on about your coffee choice like it’s your horoscope. “Find out what your vanilla latte says about your super cute personality and your go-getter attitude.” Chances are, you’re as vanilla as the latte you sip.
Opinions or preferences can’t technically be wrong; so I’ve created a guide for the real coffee goer. If you follow these definitions carefully, you will feel sufficiently superior and justified in judging your fellow coffee peers.
This is what your “coffee personality” actually resembles:
Double shot skim decaf cappuccino with sweeteners A double shot of decaf? Unless you’re pregnant, this is not coffee. You do not have a “coffee personality” because you don’t have a personality. You did it wrong.
1/4 strength large flat white with 6 sugars This is a warm milkshake. You are a child masking as an adult. Or an adult who can’t let go of their childhood. Either go to a milk bar or move forward with your life.
Cookies and cream frappuccino with whipped cream and skim milk You’re an extremely generous negotiator; a skill you should apply in all aspects of your life. You could even convince Kyle Sandilands that he should cease his never-ending career in broadcast radio. Go forth and prosper.
English breakfast tea It’s possible you’re the Queen. If not, it’s likely that you have wonderful table manners, so kudos. If it weren’t for the biodegradable cup advertising the fact you bought your tea at a coffee-selling establishment, you would be fancy as all hell.
Black coffee You enjoy your coffee bitter and black, just like your heart.
Herbal tea You think you’re better than us because you get adequate amounts of sleep and have the natural energy to function and be a productive human being? Jog on, Gwyneth Paltrow.
Quadruple shot macchiatos You’re so alert and efficient, you’re either about to get a promotion or be fired. You’re in a consistent state of shaking so ferociously that your arm hair is vibrating off your body. Please take care to avoid shedding on the cafe floor.
Cappuccino with extra chocolate on top and three sugars Pay the 40c for a mocha, tight ass.
You don’t drink coffee or tea Okay, next you’ll tell us you don’t like Harry Potter or rainbows. Please.
Cyndall McInerney is a student and freelance copywriter from Sydney. She swears she has only ordered about 3/4 of the drinks in this article and it was for totally legitimate and private reasons that she doesn’t feel the need to justify to anyone. Take a look at some of her other articles here.