rogue

'I got bitten by a cockroach, and WTF… that's a thing?'

Inner-city inhabitants are no strangers to frequent cockroach sightings, but as I’ve recently discovered, our fellow city dwellers aren’t just after forgotten food.

My roach revelation occurred on a standard Sunday night. I’m home alone, watching I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. The spirit of Charlotte Dawson just made a cameo in the form of a psychic ‘Real Housewife’! I’m clearly hooked, cause I’ve been sitting still in the same position for a while, bare feet on the ground and thus exposed to hungry critters hiding under the couch, when… Ouch! WTF?? A sharp sting pierces my right ankle.

Out of the corner of my eye I see something black scuttle away. HOLY SHIT WAS THAT A SPIDER!? My survival instincts kick in and I make it my mission to hunt that f**ker down and catch it in a jar to show the doctors when I make my grand entrance into the ER.

"It was still there the next day."

Luckily I didn't have to make that emergency medical trip because all I found on my hunt was a sheepish, putrid cockroach crawling across the room.

Wait, it couldn't be a cockroach. They don't bite... do they? "YES B***H, THEY DO," says Google, a few seconds later.

"Cockroaches are nocturnal, omnivores insects, and they can eat anything that is edible, and humans are not an exception," a pest control website informs me.

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I have visions of cockies eating me alive overnight. Like that part in Bridget Jones' Diary, but substitute the pack of Alsatians for a pack of hungry bin bugs. Yuck yuck yuck!

"There was a small red mark and some swelling."

My 3-minute research operation also tells me that bites can get infected, cause, y'know, roaches carry a shit tonne of germs, diseases and generally feral stuff.

After dousing my ankle in tea tree oil, I run around spraying every nook and cranny with surface spray (why does this make me feel evil? What have they ever done to me? …Oh, that's right *sprays harder*).

Listen:  This is how you cancel plans without feeling bad. Post continues below. 

Then, I jump in the shower to cleanse the last bit of roach essence from my skin. It helps, but I still feel icky and weirded out. After an hour, the pain has subsided and the bite mark is barely visible. I think I'll live.

Yes, cockroaches are gross. But until now, I found them to be relatively innocuous creatures. Human beware, you could be their next meal.

And if anyone has any good pest control suggestions, please let me know.

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