The 12 honest stages of going clubbing as a mum.

These are the stages a mother goes through when she “hits the club.”


Preparation is key. You have learnt from previous mistakes that you need to ensure your other half is available for baby sitting duty not only for the night. But for the following 24 hours. As hangovers post 30 last four times as long. If this is not possible you decide to only have a “few drinks”. Which is forgotten exactly one hour into your precious, and rare, evening of fun.

OOTD (that is youth speak for Outfit Of The Day)

Times have changed. Your shoes are now boot based. Bags are an over the shoulder affair. Tights are thick, black and come up to your boobs in a vain hope to smooth out any lumps and bumps. You would hold your stomach in tights. But last time you did? You got stuck in them in the toilet and had to SOS for help.

Knowing One’s Limitations

You give yourself a pep talk. You are now mature and you know your limitations. You know gin makes you weep. You know rosé makes you fight. You feel smug as you know yourself so well. You beat the youth who are still learning about themselves. You are mature. And will enjoy your evening in a classy fashion.

That All-Important First Drink

You arrive at the bar. You see a nice rosé behind the bar and think? Oh what the hell? What’s the worst that can happen???


You look around at your four mates. It was meant to be eight but three dropped out due to sick children/ no babysitter/ relationship issues/ tired/ got pregnant again and so on. Yet you are rabid that five actual human beings made it out. Together. On the same night. AND ONE OF THEM IS CHILDFREE AND WILL HAVE ACTUAL STORIES TO TELL.


You treat yourself to another rosé and take a selfie to put on FB to ensure everyone knows you still have a life.

The General Public

Oh it’s so exciting being out out with the actual general public! It dawns on you that the youth has changed since your day. ‘The Beard’ is now a thing, even on very young men. It is not just reserved for a Bee Gee, Father Christmas or your Dad. You wonder if your other half should grow one? Then remember his grey patches and think no. Anyone for a gin? With a rosé chaser?


You are out. With other humans over the age of four. In a slightly heeled boot. And a jazzy necklace. There is only one thing to toast this and its…OVERSIZED COMEDY COCKTAILS! Wahoo!!! Nothing says hey I’m a classy mature lady than a cocktail DelBoy would love.

You talk about DelBoy and remember the time Rodney fell through the bar. And howl. One of your friends decides it’s time to go home. Claiming exhaustion. It’s 10pm. Gin anyone?

‘The Club’

You hit a club. Like an actual club. YOU ARE IN A CLUB! You FB check in instantly. Time to throw some shapes with the youth. You feel you fit right in. Like an older trendy sister role model to them. They aspire to be you. And you are sure a bearded youth is giving you the eye. This calls for Tequila!

The Music

Mmmmmmm. I have never heard this song.

On the way to the toilet you see a ‘retro’ room. They are for sure going to play 70s and 80s classics.

You walk into the sounds of R Kelly Remix Ignition. Surely that was only out like two years ago? Whatever. THIS IS AN AMAZING TRACK! You ask if Rosé and Gin can be put in one glass. Saves time.


Time to Go Home?
You are now down to two. One left in the queue to the club. God knows where the other went. Wonderwall is playing. The gin takes effect. You are sad you don’t have a bearded youth waiting for you at home. You really miss your kids. Your tights are smarting. And your Primark statement necklace is making your neck itch. Your eyes fill up…


Time to Go Home.

You’ve spent close to $150 on cocktails. Someone said something about an aftershock. It’s a good job you had black tights on as you have been dancing so hard you are sure your big pants would have been on show. You stumble into a cab. Proud you didn’t cry, happy you wore boots, thinking about ramming your gob with the kids’ Smarties and Pods when you get in at 12:30am. F*cking amazing night!

The Next Day

Never. Ever. Again. Someone. Turn. The. Kids. Down.

I’m too old for this sh*t.

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