These are the stages a mother goes through when she “hits the club.”
Preparation is key. You have learnt from previous mistakes that you need to ensure your other half is available for baby sitting duty not only for the night. But for the following 24 hours. As hangovers post 30 last four times as long. If this is not possible you decide to only have a “few drinks”. Which is forgotten exactly one hour into your precious, and rare, evening of fun.
OOTD (that is youth speak for Outfit Of The Day)
Times have changed. Your shoes are now boot based. Bags are an over the shoulder affair. Tights are thick, black and come up to your boobs in a vain hope to smooth out any lumps and bumps. You would hold your stomach in tights. But last time you did? You got stuck in them in the toilet and had to SOS for help.
Knowing One’s Limitations
You give yourself a pep talk. You are now mature and you know your limitations. You know gin makes you weep. You know rosé makes you fight. You feel smug as you know yourself so well. You beat the youth who are still learning about themselves. You are mature. And will enjoy your evening in a classy fashion.
That All-Important First Drink
You arrive at the bar. You see a nice rosé behind the bar and think? Oh what the hell? What’s the worst that can happen???
You look around at your four mates. It was meant to be eight but three dropped out due to sick children/ no babysitter/ relationship issues/ tired/ got pregnant again and so on. Yet you are rabid that five actual human beings made it out. Together. On the same night. AND ONE OF THEM IS CHILDFREE AND WILL HAVE ACTUAL STORIES TO TELL.
You treat yourself to another rosé and take a selfie to put on FB to ensure everyone knows you still have a life.
The General Public
Oh it’s so exciting being out out with the actual general public! It dawns on you that the youth has changed since your day. ‘The Beard’ is now a thing, even on very young men. It is not just reserved for a Bee Gee, Father Christmas or your Dad. You wonder if your other half should grow one? Then remember his grey patches and think no. Anyone for a gin? With a rosé chaser?
You are out. With other humans over the age of four. In a slightly heeled boot. And a jazzy necklace. There is only one thing to toast this and its…OVERSIZED COMEDY COCKTAILS! Wahoo!!! Nothing says hey I’m a classy mature lady than a cocktail DelBoy would love.