When I was a child, I decided I wanted to do super important, worthy, charitable stuff across my lifetime to make the world a better place.
I’m so glad I get to fulfill that destiny with you all today.
Because, dear readers, it’s time. It’s time to call out our most popular Christmas decoration – the coriander of Christmas decorations, if you will – for what it really, truly is.
I’m talking about tinsel. Or, as it is also known, the sparkly decoration of disaster.
Tinsel is an abomination to our way of life, and while I can give you twenty thousands reasons why, I’ll stick to five because my boss thinks tinsel is fine and refused to let me spend an entire day examining its every flaw.
1. It sheds worse than a cat
Why does your tinsel look like total crap? Oh, I don’t know, probably because all of its spindly thingy-ma-bobs are on the ground surrounding your tree instead of on it. The mere process of unwrapping tinsel is basically asking for you and everything you love to be COVERED in metallic strands of utter nonsense and I’m sick of it.
Tinsel should come with an expiry date, and that date should always be “right now”.
2. It feels like chalk mixed with hair mixed with despair
When something feels as gross as this, you just know in your soul that it’s bad. You just do. The older tinsel gets, the worse it feels. Judging by most Aussie households, the average box of tinsel is aged at least 126 years old.
Listen: Is it time to get rid of the office Christmas party, too?
3. It’s an asthma attack in a box
Oh, you have dust-induced breathing problems too? How delightful is it when the same old ratty tinsel is brought out every year? It’s a fiesta of dust and asthma! Hooray!
4. There’s a serious lack of order
When I asked my colleague Zara McDonald to articulate why tinsel is the worst thing to ever happen to us, she explained:
“There’s never equal gaps between the wraps. Like sometimes there’s a line of tinsel touching the line of tinsel below it and it just kills me.”
Me too, Zara. Me too.