Christmas is almost here. You can’t stop it and why would you want to? Christmas day lunch is the best circus there is (if your family is anything like mine).
But you can’t be going into this unprepared, no sir, so here is a run down of how to best prepare yourself for Christmas lunch with the family.
1. Have a game plan.
On Christmas day it’s important that you and your significant other (if you’re brave enough to take one to interact with your family) are both across the game plan. Work out exactly how you’re going to explain your relationship/tackle invasive questions/get the hell out of there way before turning up at the front door.
2. Brief your partner in.
Brief your partner on which family members are appropriate for conversation and which ones you should give a wide birth. It goes both ways. Your significant other should have the decency to inform you well before the big day of exactly which of his pervy relos are going to repeatedly ask you to “pull my cracker”.
3. Practice your “overjoyed” face.
Practice your “overjoyed” face in the mirror in advance. People smell fake responses to presents a mile off and there is nothing to be gained by telling Aunty Thelma why exactly you’re not beside yourself with the thought of a panty hose hanger. I always find that adding an increase in pitch mid way through “ahhhhh” increases the believability.
4.Don’t overdo it on the champas.
Don’t be disappointed that you can’t get as pissed as you’d like to during the lunch. Your family won’t let you live it down (and will probably tell of you passing out in the laundry every single year from here on in) and his don’t really need to see your twerking abilities. Pace yourself and keep up the waters.
5. Be a good sport.
No one likes a bad sport so laugh enthusiastically at your Dad’s cracker jokes. Yes, even after the 15th telling.
6. Wear loose pants.
Don't make things hard on yourself. Wear elasticised pants or a floaty dress. Your pudding consumption could be significant and you don't want pesky buttons and zips getting in the way.
7. Breathe in, breathe out.
Have some good meditation tactics up your sleeve to employ throughout the day. Your mum will corner you in the kitchen to discuss your living arrangements/career/lack of partner/choice of partner/sexual orientation/weight. Breathe. Smile and nod, smile and nod. She's your mother. She loves you. She wants the best for you. It's not her fault she's a royal pain in the arse.
8. Be sure to show your partner every embarrassing photo of you ever taken prior to Xmas day.
We all know they'll make an appearance. It's better he sees them from you.
9. Desensitise yourself.
Prior to Christmas day, attend your local shopping centre and ask strangers to critique your appearance. It will desensitise you for the real event.
10. Hold judgement (until you get in the car).
Hold all opinions and reactions to the days proceedings until the car ride home. Everyone knows that time is sacred and it's free reign to tear apart your nearest and dearest. "How very dare she suggest I'd had enough bread sauce?!" "Did you see the look Gerald gave mum when she mentioned his stint in rehab?" Ah families.
Just remember, Christmas comes but once a year and for some of us, that's just fine.
What are your Christmas Day plans?