We need to have a little talk about Christmas desserts.

Around this time last year, as I scrolled absent-mindedly through Facebook, I stumbled on a meme that spoke directly to my soul.

In fact, it wouldn’t be an overstatement to call it the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen on social media.

Here it is:

SO ACCURATE. (Original meme source: unknown, sadly)

Ugh, fruit cake — it's right up there on my 'terrible foods' list, along with Christmas pudding and fruit mince pies.


Which presents a rather unfortunate dilemma each Christmas, because apparently I'm the only person in the whole wide world who doesn't froth on festive desserts stuffed with sultanas, raisins, currants and other weird dried fruits.

...Or am I?

My recent internet travels suggest I'm not the only one who's not too keen on the traditional Christmas sweets spread. The anti-Christmas dessert uprising is nigh, my friends.

"Ho, ho... oh God no".

When I shared the fruit cake meme on my own Facebook, for instance, there were a couple of detractors — one of whom labelled me a "monster" for my stance, which was a bit of an overreaction to be honest.

But overwhelmingly, it was clear the fruity festive staple is not quite as universally beloved as it wants you to think it is.

Neither are (shudder) fruit mince pies.

LISTEN: Speaking of Christmas oddities, we compare Melania Trump's White House Christmas to Michelle Obama's. Post continues after audio. 

Yes. Pop 'em on a plate and throw them away.

Writer Miranda Larbi also seems to share my views, as evidenced by her recent, strongly-worded Metro UK article 'Here’s why Christmas desserts are a pile of sh*t'.

As you might have guessed from the title, this lady does not [fruit] mince her words.

"Why ... do we have to put up with a load of muck at Christmas? Everything’s infected with dried fruit," she writes.


"We’re not in the Victorian era now, we don’t need to make our cakes and puddings last for months on end – so why does mincemeat even exist anymore?" (Post continues after gallery.)

It's a valid question. Larbi also takes aim at trifle, which she labels "a really horrible mess".

"In what world is sponge cake, fruit, custard, jelly and cream a good combo? So much slush. So much cream... It’s like umpteen different puddings crammed into one bowl of despair," she concludes.


Before you start fighting me on this, listen: we Christmas dessert non-fans don't ask for much. We don't want you to abandon your fruit cake-loving ways; eat as many of the horrid things as you like. No judgement here (well... maybe a little bit).

Fruit mince pies
If minced-up dried fruit is your thing, then go for it. You do you. (Image: iStock).

But a little more Christmas dessert variety across the board couldn't hurt, right?


How about we make the Christmas salted caramel tart an annual tradition? Or sub out the mince pies for lemon meringue ones? Now we're talking.

For now, however, I'll be sitting in the corner, eating the only version of Christmas pudding I'm willing to:

Chocolate. Nougat. Yaaaaas. (Image: Darrell Lea)

Where do you stand on Christmas desserts? Which ones are your favourites?