‘The three questions I always ask when checking in on my daughters' mental health.'

Most of us can agree this life is... well, complicated. But for children especially, these complications can feel overwhelming.

They haven’t yet fully developed effective skills and strategies to cope with daily problems, and this can take a toll on their mental health. 

Siblings, social media, school and friendships are all things that can make a child’s world feel that little bit extra complicated. 

For parents, it’s important to not only keep an eye on our children’s mental health but keep checking back on a regular basis. Kids of all ages need to be reassured that their worries, no matter how small, are worthy of having someone hear them.

The practice of checking in with children and asking questions in a non-threatening manner is crucial, as it can prompt important conversations. It’s essential to us as a family to normalise these conversations early in childhood so that our girls feel safe talking about their feelings, without their parents trivialising or dismissing their concerns.

Although a friend not playing with them at recess sounds minor to a parent, it could potentially feel like a huge rejection to a small child, and their feelings around that are valid. 

Here are the three questions I regularly ask our daughters when checking in on their mental health. 

Who did you play with at lunchtime? 

This question is the easiest way to check in on how our youngest daughter is going at school, particularly socially. It starts an important dialogue about school, friendship dynamics and any conflict that might be occurring within her social circles. 

While she talks to me about these things, I’m able to brainstorm with her and help with a plan, if that’s what she’s needing. However, I’ve often found she won’t want anything from me other than listening. 

Once she’s talked about whatever happened on the playground, she has offloaded any concerns and is happy to move on with her day. 

Either way, it gives me good insight as to how she’s feeling about school and friends, which are both things that have a major impact on any child’s mental health and general happiness. 

"While she talks to me about these things, I’m able to brainstorm with her and help with a plan." Image: Supplied.

Can you tell me how you’re feeling?

In her first year of school, our daughter started to complain of a sore tummy. This was in 2021, when Melbourne was in and out of lockdown, and most Australian children were saturated in talk about COVID. 

We chatted to our daughter about her sore tummy, which incidentally cropped up in the mornings on the way to school, and what could be causing it. After a little bit of probing and ruling out anything physical, we deduced that it was likely what we call a ‘worried tummy’.

I’ve found that children will rarely come out and say: “I feel anxious about getting sick when there’s so much illness around” or “I’m worried about school, it feels like such a big and scary world when I’m used to being at home with my family.”

"I often ask our young daughters 'how are you feeling?' when they’re looking unsure or worried." Image: Supplied.

Worry and stress in children are often communicated with complaints of a sore body part or manifesting as an upset tummy. A younger child may not have the vocabulary to convey these worries, and an older child may not know how or when to address them. 

I often ask our young daughters “how are you feeling?” when they’re looking unsure or worried. I don’t put words in their mouth and give them time to describe how they feel. 

Our eldest will now frequently respond to this question with a “well, I have a worried tummy, but I’m doing some deep breathing and it’s feeling much better!”

I find this question to be an effective way to check in on anxiety levels in children, and at the same time make myself available to hear any concerns they may need to talk about. I can then help them find the tools to deal with those concerns and check back later to see if the issue has been resolved or needs action from a parent. 

When was a time when you showed persistence? 

This is another question that I ask our older daughter as it encourages her to reflect on times when she has struggled and succeeded. It’s a nice insight into how she’s feeling as her answer will tell me if her current thoughts are more negative or positive. 

To assure a child has a healthy state of mind, I find it’s crucial to reaffirm the times when your child has failed and bounced back. The world can be a tough place, and rather than seeing failure as something that detracts from our child’s mental health, we want her to see it as an opportunity to build resilience and confidence. 

I hope that over time this will build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resilience is a life skill that will benefit children and their mental health countless times over. 

The world can be a tough place, and children need adults checking in on them and asking the right questions to make sure that they’re okay. 

Occasionally, our 7-year-old will have a moment sitting in the car when I drop her at school, and I can tell she doesn’t want to get out. I tell her this: “you can do hard things”. This has become something she loves to be reminded of, and I can see it gives her the boost she occasionally needs. 

Some things in life will be fun and easy, but other things will be hard and not as enjoyable. Children need to be reminded that they are capable of handling whatever the day might throw at them. 

"To assure a child has a healthy state of mind, I find it’s crucial to reaffirm the times when your child has failed and bounced back." Image: Supplied.

Being a child can be complicated and confusing. By checking in on your child’s mental health and giving them the tools to be resilient and confident, you’re setting them up for having the best mental health possible. 

Sometimes, you’ll find that the conversations you have will be laying the groundwork for how your child will view the world. 

One morning, I had my head in my hands after our 3-year-old declined the fourth outfit I had offered her. “I can’t do this,” I muttered to myself. 

Our 7-year-old patted me on the shoulder and beamed at me. “It’s okay mum. You can do hard things.”

Feature Image: Supplied.