'I went on a holiday without my toddler. I can’t recommend it enough.'

There’s a soft urgency in parenting. 

As joyous as the days can be, there’s always something lurking beneath the surface, stimulating your sympathetic nervous system. Maybe it's a potential tantrum or a blow-out nappy at an inopportune time. Maybe it’s the precarious lunch order you risk leaving uneaten at the table thanks to a surprise meltdown over a spilt babycino. It’s all part of the ride, but it does take a toll. 

For me, the past two years have brought with them a beautiful new baby boy, but also a long, uphill battle to regain some semblance of good health, thanks to two autoimmune diseases. So, like a lot of us mums out there, I’m one worn out woman.

Watch: The horoscopes as new mums. Post continues below.

That’s why when my husband had finished uttering the words, "You should go away for a weekend without us", I already had three separate search tabs open on my computer comparing prices of accommodation.

But excitement wasn’t my first reaction. No, it was my good ol' friend guilt that popped up straight away to kindly explain how undeserving of this break I really was. I can’t just leave my child! Mothers don’t do that, my brain helpfully pointed out. (My brain can be a real jerk, let me tell you.) 

The crazy thing is, I wouldn’t even blink if my husband wanted to go away for a weekend. The man works like a dog and co-parents like a champ, and he bloody well deserves it. 

This internal double standard took me by surprise, but despite the mental gymnastics it took to convince myself to just bloody do it, within a month of him suggesting it, I was standing at the start of two magnificent days of no toddler and no work, just hours of reading, full nights of sleep, and nothing more urgent than a dinner reservation. 

I’m not going to lie and say it wasn’t restorative, replenishing and every other descriptive R-word you can think of, (wait – refreshing! I knew there was one more). I managed to keep the guilt at bay (mostly), and I honestly didn’t miss my toddler as much as I expected (am I allowed to say that?). 

After my return, however, I noticed a need to justify myself to anyone who innocently asked how my weekend away was. "Of course, it was just for two nights; I couldn’t have done any longer away from my child." 

The truth is, I probably could have. Like I said, it was indescribably relaxing (last descriptive R-word, I promise) and while I was very ready to see my beautiful boy by the time I got home, I also would have been okay with a few more full nights of sleep.

Does that make me a 'bad mum'? Surely not. So then, why does my brain keep insisting I’ve done something 'forbidden'?

Recently, I’ve noticed an uptick in the social media mum-sphere in talk of child-free holidays, and I’m pleased to see it gaining some airtime. But there’s still plenty of backlash ready to be heaped upon those who choose to take this time out for themselves.

Listen to This Glorious Mess, a weekly look at parenting as it truly is: confusing, exhausting, inspiring, funny, and full of surprises.  Post continues below.

To try and get to the bottom of my own 'trip guilt' so to speak, I reached out to Emma Jenkins, a psychologist and teacher with a special interest in perinatal mental health and motherhood. 

She told me, "Mothers should be able to decide what works for them and their family by looking inwards, at their personal and family circumstances, values and needs - not based on society’s expectations or judgment from others." 

While I staunchly agree that we our choices should be judgment-free, I still struggle to put it into practise in my own life. When I asked Emma about the problem of self-care guilt, she told me, "Many of us have had conditioning that tells us that 'doing something just for me is selfish'." But it shouldn’t be that way. 

She explained that when we engage in self-care; it provides us with the capacity needed to engage in our care-work whole heartedly. Furthermore, she said that taking time for yourself can help mothers to "connect even better with their children and find joy and purpose in their motherhood," and I have to say, this was my experience.

Of course, 'mum self-care' in the form of a trip away is a luxury that is steeped in privilege. Time off, travel and childcare are not an option for lots of mums. Emma’s advice? "Self-care certainly doesn’t have to be in the form of going away." It might be just making the time to call a friend, sitting for an hour with a magazine, or finding your Zen with a meditation app. The important thing is, it’s something done solely for your own pleasure.

I think as parents; we struggle to freely admit that sometimes, we badly want a break from parenting. You know that stomach-dropping moment when they wake up from their nap an hour earlier than you expected, ready to party? It’s the paradox we all live in. You adore your child more than you thought it was possible to love something, but you’re also, at times, desperate for a moment away from them.

So, long live the child-free weekend away, the girl’s brunch, the long walk after you dropped your toddler off with their grandparents. Wherever those moments may be, may we find them and indulge our need for pleasure and calm.

But perhaps most importantly, may we put up a herculean effort to fight off any feelings of guilt that dare to arise as a result. 

Hannah Vanderheide is a writer, actor, and voice artist with a beautiful new baby boy. She's also a body-neutral trainer, eating disorder survivor, and wellness industry sceptic who loves to write about the sensible side of health.

Feature Image: Supplied