No one commits adultery without first being able to justify their reasons for doing so. The problem with such justifications is they are falsehoods, a way of engaging in bad behaviour without having to think about the consequences of the adultery to others.
The adulterer lives in a mythical, storybook world. The realities of their actions are far different than the “reality” they create to justify the adultery.
Myth 1.
My spouse ignores my needs, shows me no affection and acts as if she no longer cares. If she no longer cares the affair won’t mean anything to her. This is mystical thinking because unless questioned the adulterer has no idea how their wife will react to them cheating.
Reality:
When a spouse is cheated on, there are feelings of betrayal, depression, and anger. A spouse will feel second-rate and undesirable. She will question her worth and value as a wife. A wife is emotionally harmed by adultery whether the cheater believes she is still invested in the marriage or not.
A victim of cheating will get over the betrayal of adultery but only after much suffering. Adultery hurts and can cause severe psychological damage. There is also a loss of trust and faith in the adulterer. So much so that it makes surviving adultery close to impossible.
Not only will a wife be injured by the adultery but anyone close to you to the cheater will be affected negatively. Children, family, and friends all those who care about the cheater will suffer if they make the choice to engage in an adulterous relationship.
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An adulterer may feel that the benefit of adultery to them is worth the suffering of others. That is wrong. Adultery hurts and it is never OK to hurt another person.
Myth 2.
I’m no longer in love with my spouse; the marriage has been over for years. If there is no longer love there is no longer a “promise.” The adulterer has divorced himself emotionally from the marriage. In the mind of the adulterer, this frees him up from any vows of faithfulness.
Reality:
Granted, feelings of love are an extenuating circumstance for vowing to be faithful to a spouse. Love is not the only circumstance though and a lack of love for a wife is not justification for committing adultery and broken marriage vows.
There is more to consider than the adulterer’s feelings alone. If the wife still has feelings of love, the adulterer owes her consideration before engaging in the adulterous behaviour.
Until there is a divorce you are still living inside the marital contract and that means upholding the vow to be faithful. There is more to consider than whether or not the cheater still feels love for their wife.
Committing Adultery Makes You a Bad Person
Myth 3.
I’m not a bad person if I have a relationship with someone other than my wife. I’ve worked very hard to save my marriage. I deserve to be happy and have earned the right to be happy even if I find that happiness with someone other than my spouse.
Reality:
Adultery is unethical behaviour. It is that simple. Sure, as individuals we are free to define ethical behaviour on our own terms. Most of us choose to live according to societies rules as far as what is and isn’t ethical behaviour.
Kindness, consideration, honesty, respectfulness, they are all ethical behaviours. I think it is safe to say that society views a person who is faithful to his spouse as ethical and virtuous.
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In other words, if you commit adultery you are not a good man. If you remain faithful you are a good man. In the throes of passion and emotional need, you may not put much value on how society judges you, though.
When the bloom is off the rose and the affair has gone south you can bet an adulterer will begin to once again concern himself with how his spouse, family, friends, and co-workers view him. It is best to consider the reality of adulterous behaviour before an affair than getting caught up in the mythical, storybook idea you’ll create to justify adultery.
This post originally appeared on Divorced Moms and was republished here with full permission.
Top Comments
Women cheat as much as men. This should have read a little more gender neutral, for women who are having an affair to understand what they are doing to their partners.
I think monogamy is tricky - many marriages actually do survive infidelity and go on to be stronger, it's not necessarily a zero sum game. It's a lot to expect someone to be monogamous for 60-odd years, particularly when one partner (male OR female) can make a unilateral decision that they are no longer interested in intimacy or sex.