rogue

People born in December are superior to everyone else: A theory.

I have a theory that everyone knows to be true but you shouldn't say it out loud because it offends too many people.

But my birthday was yesterday so f**k it. 

People born in December are superior to everyone else.

Was I born in December? Yes. Is that relevant? No (yes).

When I meet people, I often think I can tell if they were born in December. They're well-adjusted. Resilient. Have a healthy sense of self-loathing. If someone yelled at them, "YOU'RE NOT THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE NO ONE EVEN CARES ABOUT YOU," they'd nod and say "Correct, kind Sir. I've known that since no one showed up to my birthday party when I was four."

When you're born in December, you were a newborn at a time when everyone was legitimately quite busy with other things. Your grandmother probably didn't even visit you in the hospital because she was up the coast sitting beside a swimming pool, full of your cousins who were born in July. That shit sticks. You were five days old, gurgling and learning to wave your little hands, and the rest of the world were like SEE YOU IN JANUARY ONCE YOU'VE GROWN SOME HAIR, WE'RE GOING TO BYRON.

I went to all the trouble of being born but... nevermind. Post continues below. 


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As a result, your parents have always... and I don't mean this in a bad way... 

Resented you. Intensely. 

Whether you were born in early or late December, you found a way to ruin multiple events that year and your parents absolutely remember. Your mum might've spent Christmas or New Year in hospital, or so pregnant she couldn't go to any parties or with a newborn who was in a bad mood because no one was making enough of a fuss over their being born. 

You then spent your childhood surrounded by other kids debating whether or not Santa exists for all of December and you were all like eugh I honestly don't know, but I exist and it's literally my birthday today??? So?? A gift would be nice???

For some of us, our birthdays have always fallen on a non-school day, which sounds like it would be a good thing.

But it is absolutely not a good thing.

You don't get the mandatory fuss that other kids get so used to. Your parents don't make cupcakes for 30 kids and in high school no one brings you flowers. Instead, you're usually at home, and when you try to bring up your birthday someone shouts that this is actually a really stressful time of year and if you could just make yourself scarce, that would be appreciated

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Nothing - and I mean nothing - builds resilience like waking up and realising your parents haven't bought you a present yet. And that happens disproportionately to December babies.  

One year I was 15, and still hadn't learned that my birthday was widely regarded as irritating, and woke up to discover there was no gift yet.

Mum got cranky because she was all like "ThErE's So MuCh To Do NoT eVeRyThInG's AbOuT yOu," and then ducked out to Westfield in a tizzy. 

Point is, she came back with an unwrapped blender.

Like for milkshakes. Because I worked at Boost at the time. 

I've never cried so hard in my entire life. 

BUT AS A RESULT any narcissistic traits I had were beaten out of me, which is a good thing. I think (?). 

You see, people born in June truly get their own moment. They say silly things like "It's my birthday week" or "It's my birthday month". They're all like "Wanna go away for my birthday" and it's like "Um yes I'll also get you a hectic fckn present because I'm not buying for 47 people right now."

December babies could never dream of such a birthday festival. 

Unlike June et. al. babies, you cannot, as a December baby, have Main Character Birthday Energy.

Not only are you not the main character in anyone else's life in December, you're not even the main character in your own life. Christmas, for most of us, is and always will be a bigger deal. And your family/friends have never even met Jesus!! And yet they show up for him!!!

We are more community minded because we must acknowledge that by the end of the year, no one has any of the following:

- Money

- Time

- Shits to give

I'd also argue that December babies end up being... pessimists.

We spend 11 months of the year with nothing. No presents. No joy. No cards. It's all crammed into the same 31-day period which is just way too much for a single month to live up to. 

You might try to hope and fantasise and then your partner suggests he does a combined Christmas and birthday present and LITERALLY GO F**K YOURSELF I GOT YOU RM WILLIAMS BOOTS IN SEPTEMBER. 

If you do manage to score separate birthday and Christmas presents (which you shouldn't have to beg for?? Everyone else gets that privilege???) they are inevitably handed over with a huff and also - let's be real - one gift is always a little bit shit. 

This makes you well adjusted but also appreciative. 

The only way we can survive such injustice is to believe in our souls that all of this makes us better people. 

We might not get a birthday party/phone calls/presents/attention, but please, dear God, let us have that.

For more from Jessie Stephens, you can follow her on Instagram or Facebook

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