I have a theory that everyone knows to be true but you shouldn't say it out loud because it offends too many people.
But it's almost my birthday so f**k it.
People born in December are superior to everyone else.
Was I born in December? Yes. Is that relevant? No (yes).
When I meet people, I often think I can tell if they were born in December. They're well-adjusted. Resilient. Have a healthy sense of self-loathing. If someone yelled at them, "YOU'RE NOT THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE NO ONE EVEN CARES ABOUT YOU," they'd nod and say "Correct, kind Sir. I've known that since no one showed up to my birthday party when I was four."
When you're born in December, you were a newborn at a time when everyone was legitimately quite busy with other things. Your grandmother probably didn't even visit you in the hospital because she was up the coast sitting beside a swimming pool, full of your cousins who were born in July. That shit sticks. You were five days old, gurgling and learning to wave your little hands, and the rest of the world were like SEE YOU IN JANUARY ONCE YOU'VE GROWN SOME HAIR, WE'RE GOING TO BYRON.
I went to all the trouble of being born but... nevermind. Post continues below.