I remember my first crush in primary school. It was a boy who was in my class called Alex. The butterflies in my stomach was a new feeling for me and I wanted to talk about him constantly.
After school I would tell Mum how much I loved him. My mum would look at me in a loving way and say “Honey, you will have many crushes and boyfriends I’m sure!”. But I couldn’t comprehend loving anyone else. I was already planning the wedding we would have at lunch time the next day in the playground.
The next year I did have another crush. But without understanding why, I knew I couldn’t tell anyone.
Her name was Jess. I remember she kissed me on the cheek one day to say thank you for a birthday present I had given her. The butterflies I felt in my stomach after she had given me that young, innocent peck on the cheek were almost unbearable.
Madison Missina talks about the difference between sex with women and sex with men. Post continues below.
I was confused at the feeling. No one had ever talked to me about having feelings for someone who was the same gender. I desperately wanted to ask my mum if she had ever had feelings for a woman before she met my dad, but I felt embarrassed. I was also scared that I would disappoint my family if I were to bring up my feelings in the same way I had about Alex.
I decided to push the feelings aside and tried to focus on liking boys, just like all my friends did at that age.
In Year 6 I was still aware that I found girls just as attractive as boys. By then I had heard that you could be 'gay' or 'lesbian', but I had never heard about any other type of sexuality. I felt confused and ashamed about how I was feeling. I knew I didn't fall into a category.
I worked up the courage to ask my parents for guidance. They assured me that I only loved girls as a friend, and at first I was relieved that I wasn’t a disappointment after all.
A few months later I kissed a few girls whilst playing spin the bottle at a birthday party. I tried not to think about it too much, because I was just being “normal” like my other female friends.
After the party finished I remember feeling miserable and confused. I knew I enjoyed kissing girls more than my other friends had. I went home and told my older brother all about it. He seemed happy for me and didn’t judge me at all.