I think we can all agree it is time to talk about birds.
You might have seen the now viral video of a little boy named Max wailing as he is pursued by a particularly full-on magpie.
It’s Magpie season in Australia pic.twitter.com/Y6PxrfMUx3
— Klara Sjöberg (@klara_sjo) September 28, 2020
In the midst of the crisis, Max’s dad did what any self-respecting father would do. He got out his phone and filmed the encounter while giggling and watched while Max squealed down the suburban street.
The video has been viewed millions of times, as well as broadcast on national news programs. And Max is traumatised. But I digress.
Importantly, no bird can be trusted.
As Mallory Ortberg once said, “The sky needs to calm down of birds,” and, no, that isn’t a typo. It’s just exactly what she meant.
The bird doesn’t know what it is. It has too many feathers and sometimes they look… oily. Their legs look like sticks which is ridiculous and their eyes are beady and full of malicious thoughts but also intentions.
They are looking everywhere and nowhere all at once, which is off-putting and rude.
When they die they FALL OUT OF THE SKY ONTO PEOPLE SOMETIMES IN VERY RARE INSTANCES. If that happened to me I would yell for the rest of eternity and nothing would ever be fine again.
Birds are mysterious because I don’t personally know what they do all day except to… fly to nowhere. What is on their… agenda? And more importantly, what are they… planning?
If all the birds in the world got together they could destroy the whole of humanity. I do not have any data to back that statement up, but I know it to be true.
In the interests of everyone who is suspicious about birds, I have collected three terrifying bird facts to bring up in social situations.
LISTEN: No birds on Santa’s lap, please. Post continues below.