I think we can all agree it is time to talk about birds.
As I’m sure everyone is already aware, the magpie – despised by the devil himself – has walked away with the coveted title of Australia’s Bird of the Year for 2017.
I know.
I know.
Campaigners for the bin chicken, also known as the white ibis, are beside themselves – with some even comparing it to the great robbery of 2003, when Guy Sebastian beat out Shannon Noll in the Australian Idol finale.
Biggest robbery since… #BirdOfTheYear pic.twitter.com/M6nMh68o9M
— Jonathan Hair (@JonathanHair) December 10, 2017
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We are on the brink of full-blown riots and there is just something I need to say.
No bird can be trusted.
As Mallory Ortberg once said, “The sky needs to calm down of birds,” and, no, that isn’t a typo. It’s just exactly what she meant.
The bird doesn’t know what it is. It has too many feathers and sometimes they look… oily. Their legs look like sticks which is ridiculous and their eyes are beady and full of malicious thoughts but also intentions.
They are looking everywhere and nowhere all at once, which is off-putting and rude.
When they die they FALL OUT OF THE SKY ONTO PEOPLE SOMETIMES IN VERY RARE INSTANCES. If that happened to me I would yell for the rest of eternity and nothing would ever be fine again.
Birds are mysterious because I don’t personally know what they do all day except to… fly to nowhere. What is on their… agenda? And more importantly, what are they… planning?
If all the birds in the world got together they could destroy the whole of humanity. I do not have any data to back that statement up, but I know it to be true.
In the interests of everyone who is suspicious about birds, I have collected three terrifying bird facts to bring up in social situations.
LISTEN: No birds on Santa’s lap, please. Post continues below.
1. Magpies know your face and also where you live.
No.
A behavioural ecologist named Dr Darryl Jones says, “[magpies] know everyone, they watch kids grow up. When they decide to start treating that person as a threat, they know where they live. They can victimise someone easily.”
If you change your route to work for example, it doesn’t matter because the magpie knows where you live and WILL find you.
“They look at eyes and faces,” he explains.
They can remember a face for up to five years which is precisely five years too long.
2. Facial rotting.
Hi, um. Why is your face rotting?
I know that’s a rude question but seriously as if they’re not scary enough without half their heads missing for absolutely no reason.
I have just done some research on facial rotting and it's not real but I'm leaving this fact in because it illustrates my point that birds are terrifying. And perhaps it is even more terrifying that their heads are MEANT to look like that.
3. There are several species that can kill you.
How... antisocial.
The Snowy Owl is sneaky and will emerge with absolutely no warning, before attacking a human's face. They particularly like the eyes.
Furthermore, there is such thing as an 'owl strike' which is something I'd rather not know. You see, owls like the Barred Owl will plague parks and just attack people and I don't know why.
The Australian magpie, of course, is a murderer attacks unsuspecting humans and has been named one of the most dangerous bird species on the whole entire planet.
They go for the eyes, and can leave serious flesh wounds or head injuries, with some attacks being fatal.
Many people in north Queensland have to wear hats with fake eyes on the back to deter swooping magpies which would be absurd if it wasn't so necessary.
But that is not all.
Allow me to introduce you to the The Southern Cassowary.
It has what looks like genitals for a beak and a shark fin for a hat and they are literally the least problematic things about it.
The Southern Cassowary disembowels humans.
Humans who have accidentally stumbled upon their territory have been stabbed and killed instantly.
Excuse me while I never leave my house again and continue googling 'scary bird facts' for the remainder of my life.
What's your least favourite bird?