I think we can all agree it is time to talk about birds.
As I’m sure everyone is already aware, the magpie – despised by the devil himself – has walked away with the coveted title of Australia’s Bird of the Year for 2017.
Campaigners for the bin chicken, also known as the white ibis, are beside themselves – with some even comparing it to the great robbery of 2003, when Guy Sebastian beat out Shannon Noll in the Australian Idol finale.
— Jonathan Hair (@JonathanHair) December 10, 2017
We are on the brink of full-blown riots and there is just something I need to say.
No bird can be trusted.
As Mallory Ortberg once said, “The sky needs to calm down of birds,” and, no, that isn’t a typo. It’s just exactly what she meant.
The bird doesn’t know what it is. It has too many feathers and sometimes they look… oily. Their legs look like sticks which is ridiculous and their eyes are beady and full of malicious thoughts but also intentions.
They are looking everywhere and nowhere all at once, which is off-putting and rude.
When they die they FALL OUT OF THE SKY ONTO PEOPLE SOMETIMES IN VERY RARE INSTANCES. If that happened to me I would yell for the rest of eternity and nothing would ever be fine again.
Birds are mysterious because I don’t personally know what they do all day except to… fly to nowhere. What is on their… agenda? And more importantly, what are they… planning?
If all the birds in the world got together they could destroy the whole of humanity. I do not have any data to back that statement up, but I know it to be true.
In the interests of everyone who is suspicious about birds, I have collected three terrifying bird facts to bring up in social situations.
LISTEN: No birds on Santa’s lap, please. Post continues below.