It’s September, which means a) the weather could turn hot at any time, and b) that might require me to wear a swimming costume.
It seems to have happened awfully quickly, and without warning. And this year, it's even more terrifying than usual.
Because according to Instagram, the biggest bikini trend for this summer looks like it was specifically designed by scientists who have a vested interest in ruining women's self esteem.
Which seems... rude.
The new trend is called the 'floss bikini,' and it's being worn by women I like to pretend aren't actually real people, like Kim Kardashian and Emily Ratajkowski. The bikini gets its name from its striking resemblance to dental floss, which, in case you haven't used it in a while, is a literal piece of string.
They hardly cover anything, including your genitalia, and are held together by strings so thin they look like they might spontaneously snap.
Luckily for the women who wear them, their bodies are so flawless they don't require much fabric to support them. They can wear tiny strips of material over the body parts they're legally obliged to keep private, and look like the most confident, comfortable person at the beach. But here's the problem: