By ROSIE WATERLAND

I’m pretty sure you should put down that paper and take a moment with me to discuss the most important news of the last 24 hours: The bro is back. (You thought it was going to be that gay thing the Pope said, didn’t you? Psych!)

That’s right my friends, Big Brother returned to our screens yet again last night, and because I’m a selfless, hard-hiting journalist, I took the time to watch it so I could bring you the basic rundown. Here we go:

The ‘Twist’

So, what is this ‘twist’ that has been advertised relentlessly across Channel 9 the last few weeks? No bogans? A Big Brother celebrity? A Big Brother BABY?!? Sadly, no.

The ‘twist’ is a sociological experiment in which a major economic divide has been created amongst the housemates with the aim of observing possible (probable, already happening) changes in their behaviour as a result. HILARITY ENSUES!!

Basically, they put up a glass wall that divides the housemates, and half of them are treated like crap while the other half live like kings. The crappy half has been eloquently named the ‘Halfway House’, and the unlucky housemates on that side have to beg their ‘rich’ neighbours for food (and wash their undies, just to make things interesting). Some of the housemates on the good side have already started getting narky about sharing their food, which Big Brother is no doubt hoping will descend into Lord of the Flies/Guantanamo style madness.

The Housemates

It’s pretty much the usual bunch this year, and all managed to walk out into the screaming crowd with the kind of swagger that suggests they already feel famous. There’s a couple of non-descript pretty girls, a Shane Warne clone, a no-nonsense mum, a huge coup for 9 war hero, a total douche-canoe, the token eccentric guy, the girl who isn’t classically beautiful and therefore has body-image issues… You get the idea.

Best Housemate: The token eccentric guy, Ben, who with his bulldog pyjamas is already the sweetie-pie dark horse everyone is hoping will win.

Worst Housemate: The total douche-canoe, Tim, who creppily convinced one of the non-descript pretty girls to strip into her bikini within five minutes, immediately started treating people in the Halfway House like crap and got annoyed at Ben (Ben!) for having awesome PJs when he’d clearly tried really hard to stand out with his ridiculous skeleton onesie. You might also vaguely remember some rumblings in the news last year about a radio DJ streaking at a Rihanna press junket. That was him.

These two are the perfect example of endearing-eccentric and douchy-eccentric. Ben wins.

Here’s the rest of the housemates:

Big Brother is kind of a pervert.

So, the aforementioned girl who was convinced by Douche Canoe Tim to strip into her bikini was sent to the diary room to ‘be punished’ because she snuck into the Gina Rinehart side of the house. Her puishment? To hand in all her clothes and stay in her bikini for 24 hours. She seemed to be lapping it up, but still, Big Brother. Ew.

What’s coming…

You thought the twist ended at starving one side of the house and forcing them to wash skitty undies? WRONG! This twist comes in two parts baby, and the the second half is going down tonight.

Apparently two new housemates will enter the house this evening, and in Big Brother’s infinite wisdom, he’s decided that this guy and gal should pretend to be married. Not sure yet what the details will be (you have to tune in, obvs), but one assumes it has something to do falling madly in love while trying to pull of their elaborate ruse. And if no soul-mate level connection takes place, BB is at least hoping for some K-I-S-S-I-N-G for the adult”s only episodes.

It’s also plainly obvious to everyone except the housemates on the rich side of the house that they won’t get to stay on the rich side of the house. Here’s hoping BB calls for a switch at the exact moment Tim the Douche canoe is whipping a poor housemate for asking for an extra piece of bread. “Big Brother: Halfway House Revenge” would be an amazing storyline.

The housemates were also told later in the evening that they’re playing for $250,000, although those in the Halfway House would probably have traded that in for an apple and a decent bed.

So, have I convinced you? Will you be tuning in? Have you already?