At Mamamia, we’re all about tackling the big issues.
The Adam Goodes controversy, Australian politics and who has it worse: those of us who are well-endowed in the bust area, or those of us who didn’t get hit with the big boob stick on the way down from the tree.
First up, we’re tackling the problems that only women with big boobs will understand.
Alright, here goes…
1. You know the pain of needing to break into a run when you’re not wearing a sports bra.
2. Running. Full stop.
3. A day of bra shopping is enough to send you into a downward spiral of self-loathing.
4. Beige, beige and beige are the only colours your cup size comes in.
5. Boys are absolutely terrified of what to do with your boobs in the bedroom.
6. Not being able to wear low cut tops without someone commenting about how big they are. Yes, I KNOW.
7. You started saving for a breast reduction in your teens.
8. You wear three bras just to exercise in. And even then it’s not enough.
Listen: Vogue Magazine says big boobs are out of fashion. To hell with that. Post continues after audio.
9. Cross body bags cut your boobs in two.
10. Ditto, long necklaces.
11. You know there is no point going to a bra sale at your local department store, they don’t even stock your size at the best of times.
12. You have an intimate knowledge of Freya’s lingerie range and website.
13. You irrationally hate designers like Calvin Klein, Elle McPherson, Stella McCartney and sass & bide who make gorgeous bras THAT STOP AT A D CUP.
14. You’ve considered launching your own range of bras.
15. If you can find a printed or floral bra you buy it immediately, even if it’s hideous – just to have a break from the beige.
16. Pregnancy scares you because how much bigger can they get???
17. You’ve cried in the fitting room before. Most notably when you’ve discovered you’ve gone up a cup size.
18. Good luck finding a jacket or blazer that actually buttons up.
19. Hugging fellow big-breasted friends is awkward. Or just hugging people in general and knowing they can definitely feel your boobs pressed against their chest.
20. You hate going to the beach, not because everyone will stare at your chest but because your entire bust rests on the single knot digging in to the back of your neck. And it hurts.
21. Built-in bra crop tops? As if.
22. Not being able to sleep/lie on your stomach without certain agony.
23. Tops are a lose-lose situation. Loose tops look like muumuus, tight tops look like you might later frequent the red light district.
24. You basically look OTT sexy in everything. Even white t-shirts.
25. Button up shirts are also problematic. Every single one of them gapes at the bust, so you have two options – buy one that fits beautifully everywhere and try to hold the gape together with a safety pin, or buy one a size too big that just looks daggy.
26. You know the relief of whipping your bra off at the end of the day.
27. You can never wear anything backless. No kind of boob contraption will ever defy enough gravity to hold your girls up.
28. Same goes for any low cut, spaghetti strap or strapless top.
29. You’ve had disbelieving bra fitters measure your size and then exclaim, ‘Wow! You really are a 14F!”
30. When you’re eating and crumbs fall down the cleavage abyss.
31. You haven’t seen your toes since you were 11.
32. No bra you’ve ever tried on has passed the jump test in the fitting room.
33. Your bras are four times the price of other bras.
34. When people look at your chest and say, “You’re so lucky, I wish I had big boobs,” you’re like, “No.”
What did we miss? And who has it worse, women with big or small boobs?