real life

"Dear unborn embryo, things have been a little, erm, complicated."

If you’re looking for advice about options surrounding fertility, pregnancy or counselling, always consult your doctor.

Dear embryo #19731970,

I’m sorry I left you there all alone, I’m sorry I haven’t been back to get you yet, it’s been ..uhhhh?….a little “complicated”.

It took so much to get you, so much and then I just left you. I want you to know that I haven’t stopped thinking about you, I think about you every day. What a little fighter you are, you might not know this but you had 11 brothers and sisters that didn’t make it through the freezing process, but YOU did. Who knows, maybe one day you are going to grow into a real baby, my baby, but I also have to face the possibility that maybe you won’t.

"It's been four years since I last saw you, and a bit has changed." (Image: Supplied)

Perhaps I should come and get you now, pop you in, then hope and pray for the best?

I do need to tell you a few things first though; for starters things fell apart with your dad, we didn't make it, we tried so hard and I still love him so much but if I do come for you, I'll be alone; I hope you'll be ok with that?

Also it's been four years since I last saw you, and a bit has changed, I've started a whole new life in Brisbane, I co-host a Brekky radio show, I'm really mentally, physically and financially fit and ready for you. I've learnt to love who I am again, and a big one, I've stopped drinking!

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The more I talk about you, the more advice I get, a lot of people don't want me to come get you, they say that I should use the other eggs I have on ice and match them with new sperm donor, because having you means your dad and I will be tied together forever; they say that will break my heart even more.

If I'm truly honest, I'm scared of doing this alone, but what if you are my one and only chance at a family? I realise that's heaps of pressure, but it's presently the only reality.

Plus the whole 'not drinking' thing means the chances of me spontaneously meeting a handsome "sperm donor" stranger are pretty slim, coupled with the hamstringing fact that my new job sees me tucked into bed by 8pm every night. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, it's just the way my life is.

I made some really poor choices, most of which I hope you ever have to, I wasted years in relationships that never led me to you. I spent my life savings and suffered through YEARS of traumatic IVF, miscarriages and heartache, I probably lost your dad in my determination to have you. (disclaimer: to all I know who HAVE made the choice to not have a family - hats off to YOU too - to each their own and I would never judge you so let's leave that alone shall we?)

" I spent my life savings and suffered through YEARS of traumatic IVF, miscarriages and heartache, I probably lost your dad in my determination to have you." (Image: Supplied)

Lately you've forced me to question what's important in this life, seek out my purpose on this planet. Am I just here as a sad warning to women who get into wrong relationships and wait too long? Am I a kick up the ass to others who also feel they never got their sh*t together but still live in hope?

Maybe I'm supposed to be a step mum? Or adopt? Am I meant to donate you to science? To another couple? I know in my heart I'll always feel this restless until I at least give us a shot.

Listen: Mamamia Out Loud discusses: who owns frozen embryos after a breakup? (post continues after audio...)

For now though little one, stay cosily suspended and frozen in time for mummy to change our lives forever. There's still so much hope and possibility in your tiny little cells. Will I one day have you with me my little angel, to read a bedtime story to and kiss goodnight? I hope I get to find out.

Follow Biancas fertility journey @biancadye & on Facebook

Mamamia's Infertility Week shines a light on the joy, the pain and everything in between when it comes to creating families. To read more from Infertility Week, click here.

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