I had an out-of-body experience last night.
There were emotions. There were feelings. There was BEYONCE.
I’ve been to a lot of live gigs in my time. Everyone from Five when I was 14 (Google them right now) to The Who when I was 23. I watched Lady Gaga emerge from a giant prawn-thingy and cheered for a huge blow-up (Whole lotta) Rosie doll at ACDC.
They were all brilliant. But none of them affected me in the way Beyonce‘s concert affected me last night.
It wasn’t just a concert. It was life changing.
She opened with Run The World (Girls) and closed with Halo. What happened in between was magic. I was so overwhelmed with her strength and charisma that I actually broke my own brain. I forgot how to act like a human.
And the best part? Except for two male dancers, everyone in the show – every band member, every dancer, every singer – was a WOMAN. Here’s me, halfway through the concert, having some kind of very deep and very serious feminist revelation/emotional breakdown:
The woman is a super-human. She can walk in a crouch WHILE SINGING.
Beyonce is my religion now.
If you would like to join me, here are the life rules I now intend to live by:
1. I will do at least 30 epic hair flicks a day.
2. I will put every awesome thing I’ve ever done into an emotional video montage and play it to people while I’m getting dressed.
3. I will learn how to crouch-walk and make it look sexy.
4. I will surround myself with powerful women, with the exception of a pair of male dancers. Who are twins. And French. Obviously.
5. I will pay $70 for a t-shirt with and be happy about it.
6. I will take a wind machine with me everywhere I go. Life is just better with a wind machine.
7. I will collapse into a wimpering heap whenever it seems like Beyonce may be possibly looking somewhere in my general direction.
8. I will fist-pump, sing Survivor and float away on a flying cable whenever life gets hard.
9. I will accept that box-gaps are for chumps. Beyonce has thigh muscles.
10. If all else fails, I will just live my life by the following mantra: WWBD – What Would Beyonce Do?
All Hail Queen Bey.