Disclaimer: This article is intended to be tongue-in-cheek/satire. I’m just a big fan of Beyonce, Toddlers and Tiaras, and scenarios that may or may not ever occur in real life. 

“FLOWERS. WE NEED MORE FLOWERS,” Blue screamed while her mother’s $50,000 camera dangled loosely from her undersized right hand.

“I want midsummer gravesite meets Texas strip mall meets Versace bridal of the 80s on cheap molly meets David LaChapelle with a Roman Catholic undertone,” the five-year-old continued, bellowing to the two dozen assistants standing around petrified.

“Yes Miss Ivy,” they all whispered, bowing their heads and running to the nearest exit.

Turning back to her obviously pregnant mother and raising the camera back to her face, Blue continued, “now give me some Madonna with child eyes.”

Snapping away furiously, she continued, “YES, MAMA, YES. WORK IT.”

A photo posted by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on Oct 31, 2016 at 9:51pm PDT

Standing by the craft service table looking on and serving absolutely no purpose whatsoever was Jay-Z, who had arrived with his wife and daughter almost seven hours ago. He was beginning to grow restless.

At first, he’d been supportive, organising a seat for Bey and a stepladder for Blue. But with over 2,000 images behind them, he was now questioning why he had approved his family’s request to announce the pending arrival of their babies this way.

“Couldn’t we just post an image of the ultrasound?” he’d asked over dinner the night before. “I could make a beat to add over it. That could be cool,” he continued optimistically.

Within seconds of making the suggestion, however, both the women of the house were staring at him like he was wearing a three-piece suit from Walmart. And so now, here they were in a midtown photography studio with Blue currently ordering Beyonce into what looked like contorted ballet positions.

A photo posted by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on Aug 28, 2016 at 5:39pm PDT

“I wonder if it’ll be two boys, two girls, or a boy and two girls,” Jay said to no one in particular. Not missing a beat, though, Blue replied, “well thanks to science there are tests that can tell you that now, Dad.”

Unsurprisingly, Blue had been acting out and talking back ever since they’d broken the pregnancy news to her.

Last week, Jay had caught his daughter pouring a tin of blue paint over his mixing desk so that he would remember her when he worked. “It’s the colour of me, Daddy,” she said laughing maniacally when he caught her in the act.

When Jay had asked her how she got the can of paint in the first place, the five-year-old looked at him like he had recently gotten a lobotomy and said, “Amazon delivery” completely deadpan.

The day after that, Beyonce had caught her inside her wardrobe, putting red dots on her shoes and bags. When asked what she was doing, Blue said, “marking out what I want in the amended will,” without even looking up.

Beyonce had thought the shoot might be nice. A mummy-daughter bonding experience of sorts, but now, she too was growing weary.

“Do we have it yet, baby?” she asked smiling.

“I said don’t move,” Blue sniped back to her mother, her brow furrowed with frustration.

“CHEESE, I NEED CHEESE,” she screamed again, with one of the assistants sprinting to her with a thin slice of triple brie.

“What do you need that for, baby?” Jay asked meekly.

“I’m hungry, you idiot. I’m five years old and I haven’t eaten since we arrived and my blood sugar is dropping,” she replied before sighing, “God.”

A photo posted by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on Mar 9, 2016 at 12:39pm PST

Turning around to look for another assistant, Blue again screamed, “VEIL, I NEED A VEIL, PEOPLE.”

Before either Jay or Bey could blink, one appeared from nowhere and was now being draped across Beyonce’s head.

“It should look like you’re virginal, but also not afraid to shop at Victoria’s Secret,” Blue said still looking through the lens.

“Stop, stop, hold it, don’t move. Show me your best Queen, yes queen, work it, stay still, a huh, yes, okay, okay, okay. Yes,” Blue chimed.

“We have got it. That’s a wrap, people,” she added as applause broke out across the studio.

A photo posted by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on Feb 1, 2017 at 10:39am PST

Moments later, an assistant approached Blue with a cup of organic sugar-free cordial and asked her if she was excited about becoming a big sister.

“Oh please. They’re not even here yet and I am so done with those two,” she replied. “If they think they can be another me they are sorely mistaken,” she continued waving her finger in the air.

“Come on, Mum, the car is waiting,” Blue said walking off into the day and putting her sunglasses on. “DAD, GRAB MY BAG, ALREADY, JESUS,” she screamed.

Jay and Bey began to shuffle out with their heads held low, stopping at the door and asking, “you’ve all signed privacy and confidentially agreements for today, right?”