sex

The realities of a sex life when you have kids.

Never easy, but do-able.

Once you have children, it’s safe to say that your sex life with your partner can take a back seat. Not the kind of sex life in the back seat that you once had, but rather, a new style of sexy times whereby a lot more is standing in your way.

These are the realities for parents everywhere.

Read more: The one trick for better sex. Guaranteed.

1. Timing.

Timing is everything. I’m not talking about the length of the actual deed, so to speak (you can forget about all nighters). Chances are that the second you slip out of mum mode and into your role as sexy seductress, your kids will wake up needing water, cuddles, replacement dummies or possibly even a banquet style continental breakfast delivered to their door.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, kills lady wood faster than being reminded that your children are in the house, possibly only a wall away.

Make sure your kids are well and truly out of it before you even think about getting all Marvin Gaye with it.

2. Exhaustion.

Exhaustion is a major killer of all things sexy. Any parent will tell you that children are little energy thieves, siphoning it out of you at great speeds.

You can spend all day long sending steamy messages to your partner, anticipating a night of no doubt memorable bedroom antics but it's highly likely that after you've successfully negotiated your way through the dinner/bath/bed gauntlet, someone will fall asleep on the couch.

3. Attire.

Back in the day you had a lingerie draw that would make Dita Von Teese blush. These days it's cottontails and shape wear. The good ones still have some elastic.

Forget trying to squish yourself into the old frilly fancy pants, after carrying and giving birth to the children it's probable that you'll have to contort yourself into unnatural positions to do the things up. Even then, you'll probably still resemble soft serve being shoved down a straw.

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If you're dead set on dressing up for the evening, grab a ribbon from the gift cupboard, wrap it around your lady bits and be done with it.

Read more: “Sex with my wife is boring.”

4. Sexy Talk.

B.K. (before kids) all you had to do to encourage your partner to join you in the boudoir was to whisper something 'adult' in his ear. You two would be out of there and into the sheets before you could say 'child free'.

Nowadays when you try and think of something racy to say, all you can hear is the sound of the Peppa Pig theme song playing on repeat in your traumatised brain.

5. Shower.

Nothing brings a couple closer than a bath or a shower together. You know, one thing leads to another and there you have it, good times for everyone.

It could still happen you think, after you spend 10 minutes gathering the discarded children's clothing off the floor, mopping up from their water fights and relocating hundreds of half mouldy bath toys so you can actually fit in the cubicle.

6. Grooming.

Remember the time when you had regular, pre-booked waxing appointments. Yeah, me neither.

The last time you remember shaving your legs was probably about 6 months ago. You consider jumping in the shower quickly once the kids are in bed to remedy the Amazon forest thriving on your legs and lady parts but decide against it given everything we've already covered: timing, kids waking, bathroom state and the fact that by the time you get out your man will probably be fast asleep on the couch.

What have I missed? What's different about your sex life now than before kids?

Want more? Try:

The one trick for better sex. Guaranteed.

How often couples have sex (when they’ve been married for over 25 years).