The best sex advice you will ever receive, according to science.

I think we can all agree that sex advice is the worst. Stuff like:

“As you’re eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, ‘See how I’m devouring this piece of meat? That’s how I’m going to devour you.”

Or…

“Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to ‘sponge paint’ his entire body. Then lick it off.”

They both sound a) exhausting and b) very stupid. I have a theory that all magazine-style sex advice is just a conspiracy to make women embarrass themselves and ruin their relationships. There is definitely a board room somewhere full of people laughing  “HAhaHA oh let’s suggest they feed each other ice cream in the dark because there is nothing grosser than two naked people covered in melted ice cream HA.” This way women stay single and confused, thus seeking out more absurd sex advice…Genius.

So no more sprinkling goddamn pepper under his/her nose before they climax. Nicole Prause, a principal investigator at the Sexual Psychophysiology and Affective Neuroscience Lab at the University of California, has all the advice we’ll ever need.

Listen: Osher Gunsberg and psychologist Leanne Hall talk about sharpening up any sex life. Post continues after audio. 

Prause told Science of Us, “There’s no such thing as someone who is ‘good at sex’. It completely depends on your partner. For example, if you’re someone who loves to be pooped on, I’m never going to be a good partner for you. That’s just not in my repertoire.”

Mmm, good point. (Also, gross).

She acknowledges that “No one wants to be dumb at sex,” hence our demand for sex advice. But “the expertise isn’t embedded in the information” she explains. Rather, “it’s embedded in the individual.”

In other words – there’s no point studying generic sex advice. Instead, you have to study your partner.

via GIPHY

Um excuse us while we PICK OUR EXPLODED BRAINS UP OFF THE FLOOR.

It’s so obvious…yet so profound. Besides knowing what should go in where (well, even that’s up to preference) the best thing you can do for your sex life is listen.

A killer sex life is born from rapport, or what sociologist Elizabeth A. Armstrong terms “partner-specific learning”. It’s about reading your partner, and being attuned to what they do and do not enjoy.

You don’t have to learn to hold any ridiculous yoga poses, or purchase $500 worth of sex toys. Just relax, listen and go with your instincts.