By BERN MORLEY
I’d like today, to talk about a situation we’ve all found ourselves in at one time or another. Probably more than once and if you are anything like me. I’m talking about the moment when you wish you had a self-destruct button. Or a smoke bomb that you could expertly drop to the ground and disappear into.
For example when you:
1. Wave at someone you think you know but you actually don’t.
I recently did this at my daughter’s school. I was dropping her off and thought I recognised one of her friends walking by in a group of girls so I slowed the car down, beeped the horn, manically waved and made a funny face that involved buck teeth and crossed eyes. Turns out these weren’t my daughter’s friends at all and now they were a) wondering who the crazy lady in the black Jazz was and b) possibly going to ostracise my daughter for the rest of her young adult life
2. Accidentally like a picture on Facebook.
There you are casually facestalking someone you have no business looking up, checking out their pictures from 6 years ago and for some inexplicable reason your pointer finger spasms and you hit the ‘Like’ button. Oh fuck . Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Unlike, Unlike, Unlike. It’s all too late. They know you’ve been you checking them out. Delete your account or flee the city. You choose.
3. Expel rogue saliva.
We’ve all been there. Having a perfectly friendly conversation with a work colleague/acquaintance/tram conductor and suddenly a tiny parcel of your own saliva becomes a heat seeking missile programmed to land directly upon your companion’s cheekbone. Of course neither he nor you acknowledge this. Which just makes it all the more awkward.