We all have grand ideas as to how we’re going to raise our kids. I think deep down we want to raise our children kind of differently to our friends and parents. Put our own stamp on child-raising. A lot of these ideas sound great, but the day-to-day of keeping a kid happy and healthy can be a bit of a shock to the system. Like a job, you’ve got to sometimes just get to the end of the day and eat half a tub of ice cream/drink bottle of wine. I should tell you that I actually said most of the statements below before our daughter was born. And yes, I realise that I’m a complete moron and I was completely wrong.
If you’re a ‘Future Parent’ I think you’ll find out the truth. If you’re an ‘Actual Parent’ you’ll (hopefully) have a laugh and say ‘amen’:
Future Parent: “I’m never going to let my child watch TV.”
Actual parent: “Good luck with that one when your kid wakes up at 4:30am for third day in a row and you feel like you’ve got the hangover of the century, despite the fact that you’re too tired to even thinking about smashing a bottle of wine. A re-run of Thunderbirds is a godsend while your kid chows down on a bottle of milk.”
Future parent: "My baby will never eat junk food."
Actual Parent: “Yeah, I know where you're coming from with this one. It sounds great in theory, like communism, because everyone wants kids to be healthy. But tell me, what are you going to do when your kid wakes up screaming while you're in the Honda CRV and you just realised that you forgot to pack the Babybel cheese in the travel bag? You'll be driving through the 'golden arches' to buy your kid just about everything on the menu and you'll be thanking your lucky stars that drive-thru exists.”
Future parent: "My perspective on everything has changed (despite the fact my baby hasn't been born)."
Actual parent: “I get why expectant mothers say this, because they have a baby cooking away in their tummy, but I was perplexed when an expectant father I know was telling me this. Dude, your life hasn't actually changed yet. You can go to the pub with your mates, get hammered, sleep-in til midday and roam around for a bacon & egg roll and a coffee the size of a rubbish bin. You don't have to get up at 6am to clothe and feed a that is yelling like a really angry UK soccer fan. Your life hasn't changed yet, but it will, oh yes it will.”
WATCH the video below for things future parents say. Post continues after video...
Future parent: "I will only dress my child in gender-neutral clothes. I'm also never going to let my girl wear pink or go to dance lessons."
Actual parent: Please shut your mouth, Future Parent. I believe in equal rights for women, but not allowing your kid to enjoy a dance class or wear glittery tutu because you have a problem with a coloured clothing is just being cruel. If my kid wants to go dance, then she'll dance. If she wants to play cricket then good for her. Being a good parent is about broadening your kid's options and letting them find their voice. If you want to sit in the dark all day and listen to Nick Cave records, then good on you. I actually do this myself, because I'm a grumpy bastard. If you have to hate the world please hate it by yourself. Don't impose your misanthropic tendencies on your kids. And you know what, the guy who dated all the awesome girls at my school was a male ballerina. He hung out with cool girls all the time. All I did was play Nintendo 64. Future & Actual Parents, let your kid be who they wanna be.
WATCH the video below for things actual parents say. Post continues after video...
Future Parent: "I'll have plenty of time when the baby arrives. I'm planning to learn Italian!"
Actual parent: Time and sleep are two things that I miss. I love when expectant parents meander into this crazy territory. Think of all the cooking, cleaning, tidying-up you currently do and then double it. Add the fact that your daily sleep has been reduced to about 3-5 hours. Yeah, you can totally master a new language or write the sequel to The Slap. I guess that book would be called The Punch? That sounds kinda good actually. I should copyright that one...if only I had time to write the damn thing.
This is about as far as I have got with the memoir.
Future Parent: "I would never NEVER use a dummy."
Actual Parent: “A question for you Future Parent? How much do you like screaming? If you want to create your own Death Metal club in your two-bedroom apartment then let your kid scream their heart out, night after night. My wife informed me that babies have an instinctive sucking action, so the dummy can come in really handy if you don’t want to breast feed your kid 24/7. I have a feeling that you’ll give your kid a dummy instead of asking your kid for an encore after a three hour screamo concert at Screamfest 2015.”
However, if you do choose to let your kid develop his/her scream, they could end up kinda famous.
What is the most unrealistic expectation you had as a parent?