Pubic hair is sooo 2008. In fact, it may even be as retro as 2007, which means it’s practically extinct. I am reliably informed of this by several different sources and absolutely no scientific research whatsoever.
My benign interest in this subject was initially sparked when I heard a guy casually make the following remark at a Boxing Day BBQ: “You know, it’s the strangest thing, no-one under 30 has pubic hair anymore.”
As far as small-talk goes, this was certainly a little left of centre. And it made a refreshing change from your standard summer holiday chit chat about the global financial crisis. So with the kiddies playing out of earshot, a small crowd gathered around over sangers and some coldies, to discuss the mysterious disappearance of pubic hair on a generation of sexually active adults. Poof. Gone.
It turns out the guy who started the discussion came to this conclusion after clocking rather a large amount of time watching youporn, the site where regular people upload clips of themselves doing rude things with other consenting adults. Nobody on youporn, it seems, has pubic hair. “It’s all gone,” he said, shaking his head in bewilderment. “Even the blokes don’t have any.”
At this, gasps were heard in the crowd as a disturbing mental picture flashed across everyone’s mind. The men imagined themselves. The women imagined the men. Brows furrowed collectively in dismay and confusion….BUT WHY WOULD YOU?
Since no one at the BBQ could shed further light on the subject, our questions remained unanswered.
And since Four Corners was on summer hiatus and unable to launch an immediate investigation, I was forced to make my own enquiries. Was this mass deforestation a mere quirk of freaky people who like to film themselves having sex and share it online?
Well, over the past few weeks, I’ve established some compelling anecdotal evidence to the contrary. It appears it’s not just amateur porn stars and celebutantes who are going totally bare down there. It’s an epidemic.
Anecdote One: I suddenly remembered a conversation I’d had with a colleague several months ago. The woman’s daughter was 17 and she wanted to have everything lasered off. When her mother expressed dismay that she would opt for such a permanent form of hair removal she may later regret, the daughter was baffled. “But Mum,” she sighed, rolling her eyes. “Why would I ever want it to grow back?”. Fortunately, the salon she went to had instituted a no-bikini-lasering-under-18 policy for this exact reason. So she went for the full wax instead, just like all her friends.
Anecdote Two: Over dinner with some people I didn’t know very well, I broke the ice by asking if anyone had firsthand knowledge of blokes waxing, lasering or shaving below the waist. “As a matter of fact, a couple of my mates do it,” said one guy, before insisting he himself did not. So why did his mates? “They say it’s for two reasons. One is that it’s a sign of respect to the girl. You know, if she waxes, he’s willing to as well. And they also say it makes them look bigger.” Hands up who thinks the first reason is a furphy? Me too.
Anecdote Three: A married friend recently went for her usual bikini wax. Nothing fancy. Just so she can wear a swimming costume to the beach and not be mistaken for a yeti. The beautician was telling her an involved story about some guy who’d stood her up and my friend was trying to focus on the story instead of the pain, which seemed to be worse than normal.
Suddenly, the beautician paused mid-sentence and held her wax spatula aloft. “You usually have it all off, don’t you?” she asked by way of confirmation. “Uh, no!” my friend exclaimed, glancing downwards and trying not to freak out at what she saw. Or rather, what she didn’t see. The beautician laughed nervously. “Ooops. I’m sorry about that but it’s all gone! Ha, ha, ha. I’m so used to doing a full wax, I was on autopilot! I hardly ever get requests to leave anything anymore, not even a landing strip. Sorry again. Oh well, makes a change for you, I guess. Something different” And with that, my friend was left unintentionally bald. Bald and displeased. “I have a daughter,” she huffed to me afterwards. “Why the hell would I want to look like my child? It’s sick. What’s wrong with people that they’d want to look like that?”
I’m not sure why pubic hair exists (and please don’t tell me), due to my extreme aversion to typing those two words into Google. You understand. Suffice to say it’s there for a number of very good reasons we don’t need to explore here…..
So what will be the long-term ecological effect of this unnatural land clearing in a generation of lady gardens and man parts? Only time will tell. Time and youporn.