Okay, up until this point, it’s all been fun and games.
Literally. This was Sam just a week ago.
But now things are getting serious.
There are only five guys left, and they're all valid contenders. Each and every one of them a) knows who Georgia is and b) have not yet been explicit about their underlying desire to use this show to launch their television careers.
We feel stressed and uncertain about what the future might hold. Until...Osher walks in.
Pause. PAUSE. We need to take a moment to reflect on Osher.
In times of distress, it's this one man who's always been our constant:
When sh*t hits the fan, Osher is always there to pick up the pieces, with his gentle hands and kind soul.
Is he awkward around his 'fellow dudes'? A lil. But only because they are not worthy of his company. Did he get a little too excited when it came to planning a date for Georgia? Maybe. But that's only because he F*CKING cares, which is more than can be said for Courtney.
He's always stating important facts, like how many roses are left, and keeping everyone up to date on the general plan, like where they're going and who with, etc. In conclusion, Osher is and always will be the best thing about this show and also possibly our lives.
Like his usual reliable self, Osher delivers the date card. After much suspense, it's Lee (you know, the one with the face) who will be going on a single date with Georgia.
He's excited to go on a date with "no one looking on," and all we can think about is this:
Mmmmm...intimate.
Georgia is waiting for Lee by the water, being a single, lonely woman overwhelmed by regret.
It's so painful for her, being single while also having five boyfriends.
As Lee arrives, she says "there's a lot I like about Lee, a lot," and we know she's talking about his face, and also his body, but mostly his face.
The clue for this date was "let's get our hands dirty," and Lee turns up completely naked to get the party started.
Georgia explains that the clue was actually referring to Dirty Dancing, which, in fairness, is a tenuous link. She wants her and Lee to replicate the iconic lift from the movie, and we're so impressed because the planning meeting for this date just definitely started and ended with Georgia yelling "PICK ME UP PLS" and leaving the room.
The star of the date is without a doubt John, the intense 'safety' guy. His job is to brief Georgia and Lee on the logistics of their very complicated and also very dangerous maneuver. He is extremely serious about safety. But like, dude. These guys went wrestling for absolutely no reason and one guy broke his arm. Safety is no one's primary concern.
They succeed at the lift because of course they do, but we also feel like Georgia stacked it at least 11 times and demanded that it be cut out.
Back at the mansion, OH MY GOD THEY GOT KFC. OMG IT LOOKS SO GOOD. Holy sh*t we feel like KFC. We knew we loved Matty...but then he brought home KFC for dinner. Mmm how good is popcorn chicken. Georgia is going to be SO MAD when she finds out that he brought home KFC and didn't even save her any.
Well, that was a rogue scene.
Anyway they take us back to Georgia and Lee and all we can think about is chicken. But he says he loves how he can hear her coming by her laugh, and how she's a massive "dag" bla bla they kiss but more importantly here is a gallery of Lee's face:
Lee's face.
^^^ Excuse us while we die.
The date ends, and it's time for the final group date.
Last week, Georgia demanded the men write her love letters. This week, she's decided that all the dudes will write her a love song. She was so excited when they sung to her a few weeks ago, but tbh it was missing some percussion and auto tune. So she's dragged them all in the studio to do a better job, that they can release for commercial purposes.
They all act enthusiastic, but to us, this looks like five shades of regret:
Cam has to act particularly upbeat about the whole thing, because apparently one time (AS A JOKE) he said he wanted to do a duet with Georgia. That's the last time Fireman Cam ever makes a joke.
Georgia we love you but NO ONE EVER WANTS TO WRITE A SONG TOGETHER.
Given that he is a distant relative of Murray, otherwise known as everyone's favourite Red Wiggle, Cam is probably the least bad out of everyone.
Lee, however, no.
Lee cannot sing. But not for lack of trying.
The worst/best part of this extremely traumatic segment of The Bachelorette is that it's a bunch of fully grown men really trying to sing. Like, really trying. It's like your awkward friend in the car who's singing along to the radio but is actually attempting to sound good. It's not okay. It's profoundly uncomfortable for everyone involved, except for Georgia who is losing her f*cking mind.
We actually really like that Lee can't sing. It makes him hotter. He really can't sing though. Legitimately, he may be tone deaf.
The guys have to make up their own lyrics, and WHAT A SURPRISE they're terrible.
It's actually like everything that's happened since Rhys was sent home has been a kick in the guts to Rhys. He would have loved this. R.I.P.
Matty J, as we long suspected, is an undercover white rapper. He and Jake act like gangsta's and are enjoying this whole activity way more than they anticipated.
They record the song and it's easily the weirdest thing that's happened this season. They also make a bizarre video clip that looks like something out of 2003 Australian Idol.
We did notice, however, that if you mute the sound while Lee is singing, it looks as though he could actually be really good. So it's still thoroughly enjoyable.
For once, Osher has no interest in participating, which, while entirely understandable, is a shame because we wanted Oshy G to have his own verse about the date he created last week.
They all listen back on the song, producer included (that poor, poor man) and for some reason everyone dances like this:
Georgia chooses Jake to spend extra time with because his Aussie rap was just so endearing.
She takes him to Marquee, because that's where Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber went after their live performances, and because they've recorded a song, they're superstars now too.
Hahahaha, NO.
Georgia and Jake still have the same chemistry they had on their very first date and Georgia is slightly disappointed because now she has no idea who she's going to send home.
It's time for the FINAL cocktail party, and Lee has taken a risk by wearing glasses.
We just feel like it's too late in the game to start wearing glasses without warning or explanation. Has his sight failed him? Has there been an emergency? Because we think Lee feels a little bit (exactly) like this parrot:
Georgia chats with a few of the dudes, but when she starts to question Cam's confidence, we start to feel sick.
Georgia, that's Fireman Cam. As in THIS Fireman Cam:
As she hands out the roses, and her voice starts to break, we know it's about to happen. She's sending home THE GODDAMN FIREMAN.
After the puppy date. After the sex kiss. After the song.
His graciousness when he fails to receive a rose makes the whole thing all the more tragic.
We are f*cken broken. #putoutyourhoses for Fireman Cam.
WE ARE DONE. WE QUIT. Until tomorrow night, same time, see you then.
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Listen to the Bach Chat team dissecting last night's episode here:
Meet the men of The Bachelorette 2016
