Oh my… all week we’ve been excited because the ads for tonight’s episode look SO GOOD.
There are intruders. There are fully grown men in knight outfits for no conceivable reason. There’s a very pissed off Georgia Love dressed as a princess, telling the camera she’s “humiliated”. Something about her elaborate costume makes the situation all the more… tragic. No one wants to feel EMBARRASSED in costume. NO ONE.
But there to ease us in to all the drama is the always-keen Osher.
We’d like to pause for a moment to acknowledge the secondary plot line that has been underlying (i.e. driving) this entire season. You see, with all of Osher’s years on The Bachelor, he’s made some solid female friends. He knows how to connect with women. But men… he, um. He… doesn’t know how, as evidenced by:
a) The awkward skip in episode two, and
b) The unnecessary and frankly outdated ‘peace sign’ attempt in episode three.
HE IS AWKWARD AF AROUND THE GUYS AND IT’S OUR FAVOURITE PART OF THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD.
So tonight Osher arrives and he’s clearly been working on his ‘bro’ walk.
Osher arrives with the single date card and the men all make a fuss.
He says "HOW ARE THANGS" far too loudly and we both die a little inside. He tells himself they are all just very excited to see him... it probably has nothing to do with the single date card.
He plonks it down on the table, and then lingers. It's like he has more than overstayed his welcome but... he has nowhere else to go. Eventually he gets shooed away.
Clancy gets the single date, and we're just really surprised he is still alive after the whole jumping-into-the-pool-with-his-mic-on-fiasco. That is just SO dangerous. We can't stress that enough.
Anyway, he is very much alive and the clue is "Let's take a bite together" so all the dudes assume they're going shark diving because that would just be SO MUCH FUN.
No. Nope. No one's going GODDAMN shark diving. Georgia is taking Clancy to New York. Obviously.
It quickly becomes clear that Georgia is pissed Channel 10 wouldn't pay for her to fly to New York for this date. So instead she has settled for doing New York-style, er, activities... in Sydney.
To start with, she takes Clancy to a small bar to watch live music and we think this might be our worst nightmare.
There is nothing more awkward than watching live music with just ONE other person. Like, what are you meant to do with your face? And... do you dance? And if so, for whom? And also, your hands?
Furthermore, a production assistant clearly forgot the name of the artist who was performing ONLY for the PLATFORM this mainstream television show offered. So Georgia and Clancy just keep repeating how they "know this song" and it's "so cool hearing it live".
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE PERFORMER, CHANNEL 10. You had ONE job.
Oh, um... you know how we said the live music was our worst nightmare? Yeah. Scrap that.
Georgia and Clancy are going ice skating. Now THAT'S out worst f*cking nightmare.
In a piece to camera, Clancy explains that he's a very good ice skater. He's done it a few times. But then he takes to the ice, and it's literally the worst thing we've ever seen. He puts Georgia Love's ACTUAL life in danger, and while she was laughing, she was clearly thinking "GET YOUR F**KING ACT TOGETHER DUDE I'M NOT GOING DOWN WITH YOU."
Georgia cuts the date short and finds a seating arrangement for them, because it's impossible to fall over while sitting. They eventually kiss, and Georgia says, "You're a better kisser than an ice skater..." to which Clancy responds, "Aw shucks."
THAT WAS NOT A COMPLIMENT, CLANCY. YOU'RE LITERALLY THE WORST ICE SKATER WE HAVE EVER SEEN.
We cut straight to the medieval group date, which is odd, because there wasn't a group date card delivered and how does anyone know what's going on.
We think in all the excitement of personally planning the knight-themed festivities, Osher might have forgotten to deliver it.
Anywho, Sam now fully believes he is on Survivor or The Amazing Race because his one and only strategy is to beat Rhys. He doesn't know what/who Georgia is.
We honestly wish we cared about anything as much as Sam cares about beating Rhys. It's... inspiring. There's mention of shooting people and Sam excitedly tells the camera he wants to get Rhys "for treason. And average poetry. At best. AT BEST."
The men divide into two teams, which can only be described as 'The Cocky Team' (starring Sam) and 'The Slightly Less But Still Cocky Team' (featuring Rhys). The underdogs win and it's unclear what the repercussions are, but there's something to do with getting shot at by all the other guys as you run towards Georgia (who is dressed as a princess) and kissing her on the cheek.
No one understands the rules.
It's an awkwardly-designed date, which clearly emerged from Georgia yelling in a pre-production meeting, "I WANT TO BE A PRINCESS. MAKE ME A PRINCESS."
In the end, the dude who gets shot the least gets to spend time with Georgia. Everyone wants Rhys to win because, in Sam's flawless words, "He does more damage when he's speaking."
Indeed, Rhys does win, BUT not before Courtney pulls a dick move.
You see, he doesn't even pretend to try.
Courtney, it is NOT your job/duty/place to decide who spends time with Georgia. When she tells you to run very quickly towards her in a knight costume in order to avoid arrows being fired at you by your fellow men, you do it. But you didn't. And now she's all embarrassed in her princess costume.
She says "I was totally humiliated by that. How embarrassing."
Clearly, Georgia is mostly mad because now she has to spend time with Rhys, and she's terrified he'll have another poem. It's understandable.
But it turns out it wasn't his poetry he had to worry about. It's his personality.
When he sits down he basically says three things:
a) Why don't you ever grab me for chats at the cocktail party? (Because she's scared of your stupid poetry, Rhys.)
b) Where is my poem, please? (Poems are stupid, Rhys.)
c) Well... SOME OF THESE GUYS DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU. (Omg Rhys, what the actual f*ck?)
When Georgia tries to ask who these people are, he says he can't tell her because he's honest and something about 'emissions'.
Georgia is left sitting there like, 'Er, why does everyone hate me today?'
Finally we're at the cocktail party, which is lucky because there are a bunch of dudes we would like to send home.
Georgia walks in, and as she's getting settled... Osher emerges out of nowhere.
He stands there awkwardly and one of the guys says, "Since when have you been involved in the game?" and you can actually see the moment Osher's heart breaks. ALL HE WANTS IS TO BE INCLUDED.
He asks if he can borrow Georgia and she's clearly thinking, 'Dude, you're really early. Like, embarrassingly early.'
With her eyes she says, "We've talked about this. You're not invited to take part in the activities." But he has a cheeky grin because he knows something we don't know...
INTRUDERS. THEY'RE HERE. And again, Channel 10 has shortchanged women. It's the gender pay gap in action. While Richie was offered three intruders, Georgia was offered a measly two. Frankly, it's bullshit.
There's nothing much to say about them, except the first guy is another Matt (Matteo) and the second guy is clearly trying to launch his music career and tbh he's not that bad. Probably not solid enough for X Factor, but a standout on The Bachelorette.
As he sings, all the guys are saying to themselves "Dammit. Dammit he's good," but faintly in the background you can hear Rhys saying, "Yeah, but can he write poetry?" Eugh, shut up Rhys.
Sam is inexplicably excited about the intruders. He throws a lot of words around including "peanuts", "pretzels" and "Rhys", and essentially says he would prefer these two randos to, well, Rhys.
When specifically questioned about the intruders, he is very confused about who they are and why they are here. Jake has to look him in the eye and say "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT WE THINK - that's not how the game works", but he is bamboozled because this is Australian Survivor and he just can't wait to vote them out!
Then some girl walks back in and Sam whispers, "Who's that?"
She takes Courtney aside to confront him about embarrassing her in her princess costume. She says she was hurt by his bizarre behaviour, and when he starts explaining that he just wanted to give Ryan a chance, her face says I don't give a f*ck.
She's unapologetic about how humiliated she was, and doesn't back down when he mumbles through an apology. You DO NOT disrespect Georgia on her show, Courtney. She's unsatisfied with his apology because it goes a lil' something like this:
Georgia explains that just because it rhymes, doesn't mean it's logical.
They go to the rose ceremony, and for a fleeting moment we think maybe Georgia will send Courtney home for trying to steal her TV show, and not adequately fighting for her love in a public forum. Our little feminist hearts are beating out of our chests because we think this COULD be the moment women all over the world have been waiting for.
You might be charming and funny and make pasta bracelets, Courtney, but YOU MADE GEORGIA FEEL BAD. And that AIN'T COOL.
SEND HIM HOME GEORGIA. ON HIS MERRY LITTLE WAY.
Alas, Matteo goes home because this storyline quite simply cannot handle another variation of 'Matt', or any kind of ethnic diversity. Matteo had an accent. It was all too much, too soon.
Courtney was in the bottom two, so definitely pooped his pants a little.
But we don't trust him anymore. Why is he always trying to set Georgia up with other dudes? It's disconcerting.
R.I.P Matteo. We literally did not know ye at all.
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