tv

The Twins Recap The Bachelorette Episode 3: Lee is the hottest man on TV and everyone is wearing Lycra.

Oh goodness it’s been a long six sleeps and we’ve missed our 13 eligible bachelors. Oh… well, make that 12, because it turns out one is MARRIED.

"Married schmarried." 

Dude... no.

There's not much that disqualifies you from being a contestant on The Bachelorette, but we'd imagine being 100% married would be one of them.

We open with some unnecessarily epic music, and a bunch of (hopefully somewhat single) dudes chilling in their bikinis by the pool.

Osher enters after having spent the whole week intensely studying "How To Be One Of The Boys", in order to avoid a repeat of last week's awkward 'peace sign' disaster. He comes with a date card, but we think inside it might just say "Guys, wanna hang out later, orrr...?"

"I live here too." Image via Channel 10.
ADVERTISEMENT

The ever elusive date card clue reads: "I hope we find what we're looking for," and the boys decide it probably means they're going to play a game of Hide and Seek.

FFS.

Last week, they interpreted the group date clue to mean they were going to paintball, when it turned out to be a goddamn Mills and Boon photoshoot.

Can someone please tell these guys this is a REALITY TV DATING SHOW and not a 12 year old's birthday party? Why would you... oh, never mind.

Point is, Lee gets the date. You might remember Lee from the time he was a) hot, and b) the donkey's plus one.

"I'm not just a punchline." Image via Channel 10.

Sam continues to care far more about the other men than he does about Georgia, commenting, "Lee is so good looking, he's got such a good body, he's so dreamy. But I wouldn't want to get stuck in an elevator for six hours with him."

This, of course, begs the question: is there any person you would want to spend six hours in an elevator with? Why are you in an elevator for SIX HOURS? No one wants to get stuck in an elevator, that would be terrifying.

LET US OUT. Image via Giphy.
ADVERTISEMENT

Anywho, Lee only has 10 minutes to get ready, which is not nearly enough time to curl his hair/put his fake eyelashes on/find something Camilla to wear, etc. But somehow he manages.

Georgia picks him up in a fancy car, because women can drive these days. THEN she opens the passenger door for HIM because ICYMI, she's a FEMINIST FUCKING BOSS.

Georgia and Lee's relationship thus far is purely based on puns, and that doesn't look like it's going to change any time soon. In the car, Lee tells Georgia a classic:

"Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila." HAHAHAHA.

In our opinion it's far too early to be telling jokes about killing women, but Georgia seems to be loving it.

MORE PUNS. MORE PUNS. Image via Channel 10.
ADVERTISEMENT

They find a boat somewhere and there's something to do with a treasure chest, but we don't really care because we know THIS is the date where Georgia is going to confront Lee about the elephant in the room... that ticking noise you may have noticed.

You see, Lee is 35. It's time Georgia brought up his fertility. 

She asks if he wants to get married and have kids, and he basically says, "Yeah like whenevs before I die would be ideal but eh."

His anxiety is palpable.

I've never been stressed about it tbh. Image via Channel 10.

Back at the house, it's time to announce who will be attending the group date, which is still kind of awkward given that we swear half of them were not there last week. But some guy named 'Matty' (NOT to be confused with 'Matt') seems keen.

They're all playing tennis which is problematic because a) there are about 11 of them on the court and there doesn't appear to be a referee, and b) we never saw the women playing tennis despite the fact that Olena was meant to be some kind of professional.

Sam reads out the names, because the producers are (rightfully) obsessed with him. It goes much the same as last week.

Sam: First name, Tommy. 

'Fellas' in unison: TOMMMmmmayyyy. 

ADVERTISEMENT

Sam: Clancy.

'Fellas' in unison: CCLAAANCAAAAY. 

Sam: Rhys.

'Fellas' in unison...

Oh, okay. Rhys is coming. Okay. Image via Giphy.

Back on Georgia's single date with Lee, they've found a treasure chest full of cookies which is legit one of our fantasies.

Georgia decides to play a GAME and she is really, really excited. It's "two truths and a lie", and Lee has to guess which celebrity crush she is lying about - Zac Efron, Brad Pitt or Chris Pratt.

Lee reckons she's lying about Zac Efron, to which we say:

WRONG, LEE. Image via Giphy.
ADVERTISEMENT

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING, LEE? ANYTHING AT ALL? Because you're wrong.

He has to do 20 push-ups, and Georgia just sits there watching, relishing in the fact that she gets to make men exercise in front of her on cue because it's her show.

PUSH HARDER BOI. Image via Channel 10.

They kiss, and it's super sexual. Like, Zac Efron sexual. Georgia is so bloody excited. She knows she's living every (heterosexual) woman's dream, and she's super thankful.

But Georgia is a busy woman. Sure, she's just taken one very, very good looking man to a private beach, but she has other minions to attend to.

Just like men for the whole of history, Georgia wants to show her harem her tricks.

She takes the guys trapeze-(ing?) and makes them sit quietly and clap at her tricks. You see, before she became a journalist, Georgia Love was a trapeze instructor. Obviously. And she would like all the dudes to see how good she is, and acknowledge her talent.

WOW. Look at Georgia and her tricks! Image via Channel 10.
ADVERTISEMENT

The challenge for this group date is for the men to learn how to trapeze, and the winner gets to catch Georgia.

Matty has trampeezed (we're just straight up making up words now) before, so he has a definite advantage.

First up is Rhys, and he explains to us that he "has a lot of upper body strength to do this kind of stuff."

EUGHHHH. FAIL. PLEASE GOD FAIL.

DAMN IT. He's not bad.

Sam is, again, far too obsessed with simply beating Rhys, and all the stress causes him to lose his focus and give what a trapeze instructor would call a "poor attempt." Sam is bummed that Rhys was better than him, and we realise that throughout this entire episode he has not once acknowledged Georgia's existence.

RHYS WATCH ME DO MY TRICK. Image via Channel 10.
ADVERTISEMENT

But then a pattern emerges. All the guys are quite...good. All of them except for Sam are able to do Georgia's trapeze-trick very well, and she feels kinda weird about it.

Like, you know when you're good at something, and you invite other people to do it, so you can show them? It's no fun if they pick it up really quickly. They were meant to be... in awe.

This was... this was meant to be my thing. Image via Channel 10.

Luckily, one guy (Matty, NOT Matt) understands that GEORGIA IS THE EXPERT HERE and asks her for some advice.

Obviously, he wins.

He has to catch Georgia, and he does, and then she invites him on a single date. The hierarchy has been restored.

I give the instructions here. Image via Channel 10.
ADVERTISEMENT

While we're recovering from the very conflicting feeling that men trapezing in lycra is oddly hot, Georgia and Matty have their date. They drink wine on the trapeze thingy, because it's always been a dream of Georgia's, and this is her goddamn show. They both make funnies. She says she can't cook, he makes her put on her news reporter voice. There's A Grade banter. Aw. But he's never going to win because Lee, Fireman Cam, etc.

At the cocktail party, Georgia decides she has a bone to pick.

You see, she gave Courtney the first impression rose, which means Courtney gets to plan a date with her whenever he wants. But where's the date, HUH? It's been a bloody week mate...

She takes him aside and says: "Hi, yes, excuse me, but I have literally 13 dudes after me and I gave you a very special rose and you are not giving me nearly enough attention. Are you... busy?"

He knows Georgia is the boss so whips out the single date card immediately. Phew. Crisis averted.

OH MY GOD IT'S RHYS AND SAM AND THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT POETRY.

OK: unpopular opinion. We sort of... love Sam. We feel he's taking the piss out of everyone, including himself, and frankly it's hilarious. He asks Rhys for "some tips on poetry" just so he can make fun of him on camera later. Genius.

Rhys obliges, explaining "Well, at the end of the line, find a word that rhymes, and do it every time."

WAIT, WHAT? Image via Giphy.
ADVERTISEMENT

He continues to be absolutely baited by Sam, and says "I find it easy with words. If I have a topic I can write a poem... I wrote one for the group for a bit of fun." Sam swiftly realises he has hit the JACKPOT and asks, "Oh, can I hear it?"

RHYS, LISTEN TO US. He does not genuinely want to hear it. He wants to laugh at you. Do not...

Too late. Mamamia has chosen not to publish the contents of the poem on our site for the wellbeing of all our readers.

Courtney then announces that he gets to choose who goes on the next group date with Georgia, and Fireman Cam jokingly suggests that the first person to jump in the pool gets to go. Let's just say... this is an image of pure desperation.

I JUST WANNA HANG OUT SO BAD.

One fellow bachelor comments that it's a little bit awkward, because there's a chance Clancy will not actually be there tomorrow.

Clancy didn't think about that. And now he's in a robe at a rose ceremony and feels rather silly.

I deeply regret this decision. Image via Channel 10.
ADVERTISEMENT

Two men are going home, which worries us, until we realise there's at least two people whose names we don't even know yet.

Georgia takes pity on Clancy, who is all wet and demoralised, and the elimination comes down to Aaron and two men we've never seen before.

Seriously, can you name this man?

He gives one last exasperated sigh, like: "WTF am I doing here? Not even the guy behind me knows my name."

Aaron goes home, along with the guy in background ^^

ADVERTISEMENT

He doesn't even get a monologue in the limo. That's how we know for sure that he was just taken off the street, placed in the lineup, and eliminated. Very odd.

Tomorrow night we will continue to watch Georgia in her quest for love, and Sam in his quest to beat Rhys, once and for all.

Want more of The Bachelorette? Listen to the latest episode of Bach Chat here

You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook, here

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT

00:00 / ???