It is a true fact that Australians do not love anything quite like they love Sophie Monk.
So when Osher introduces this season of The Bachelorette he is not at all coping with the excitement.
He’s speaking a little loudly. He doesn’t know what to do with his… hands. His bow- tie is on slightly crooked, because he put it on in a hurry.
It would be an honour to have THE Sophie Monk fall in love under his watch. This is a responsibility he takes very seriously, and he has been up all night making very important preparations.
SHHH. Quiet, pls.
It's time to meet Sophie, and everyone act cool.
She's walking along a beach with a dog and tbh we can't really see much missing from her life. She talks about her career and how a bunch of her relationships have been failures and goddamn Sophie Monk is a national hero and these men best understand that.
It's important we're reminded in the opening minutes that she's 37 and single and wants children ASAP, and that women must always choose between a) love/family and b) a successful career. We write that down in our diaries so we do not forget.
POST CONTINUES BELOW. Listen to Michelle Andrews and Zara McDonald debrief on tonight's episode of The Bachelorette.
Anywho time is running out, so it's time to meet the men who better treat her real good.
Osher greets Sophie and asks what she's looking for in a man. She insists she doesn't care about looks, and just wants someone who "wants MWEE for MWEE" and so true.
The first man we meet is Apollo which definitely sounds like a made up name. He's a magician which we're also pretty sure isn't a real occupation, and opens with a ridiculous trick. It's clear that Sophie is (justifiably) both confused and frustrated by magic.
Just so we're clear, very few people find magic... fun. And even fewer people find magic... hot. But, um, once Apollo starts speaking, something suddenly becomes very obvious.
It's... it's his face.
"He is CUTE, he is very attractive," Sophie says earnestly to the camera, and we realise that Sophie is all of us when we say we're not superficial, but then see a beautiful person.
The next man is not Apollo which is a shame, but his name is Jarrod and he works on a vineyard. He's brought along a huge barrel of grapes which he thinks would be fun to... squish. With Sophie. And her feet.
SHE HAS HEELS ON AND IS IN A DRESS. This activity is unnecessary and not fun and no one likes to be reminded that anyone has feet.
Once they're... done, Jarrod explains that he used to be in the military. He defended our country and Sophie is very thankful. But mostly he makes wine and Sophie is more thankful for that.
A man who looks like Ali G gets out of the limo and does a dance and no we do not like it at all and that is all we will say about that.
Because we then meet James, who is too shy. He speaks for literally five seconds and then says, "well, I'd best be off," and no... you can stay, James. He bought her a necklace and it's very thoughtful but he really needs to go because this situation is making him very uncomfortable.
There are children here and this is not the place for them. They say they're here to introduce their uncle which feels like child exploitation but tbh Sophie's fine with it, and starts to have a reasonable, grown up conversation with them. She asks about his previous girlfriends, etc, but then wants to know about the coolest thing he's ever done. "He's taken us to Target," says one of the children, and oh my God where is this man he sounds perfect and we want one.
Sam appears and we kinda miss the bizarrely relateable conversation between Sophie and three strange children, but whatever Osher has probably organised a kids club for them with chicken nuggets AND colouring books.
Oh... there's a man named Jourdan which looks like a typo but it's not, and they introduce him as "strange" and "weird" as though the people before him haven't been and this makes us think he must really be strange and weird. He says he wants to play hide and seek then BLINDFOLDS SOPHIE AND WALKS INTO THE MANSION. He messed up her... hair. And didn't really say... hi. We do not like it.
There are more handsome men and Sophie is very excited, but THEN someone decides he will sing for Sophie which is silly because singing is obviously her thing.
It's... it's not good. Sophie doesn't know where to look and wishes that she drank that whole barrel of wine she made earlier with her feet. Time continues and he's still singing and Sophie desperately tries not to laugh, but at one point we swear she looks at a producer like "what the actual f*ck is this".
He leaves, and pause.
It is time for the villain.
This season we have TWO villains. One is more business-man-narcissist-villain and the other is more evil-New-Zealander-villain.
Blake has businesses (plural) which are unspecified, and talks on his phone whilst also being on his laptop, which is the kind of busy we cannot even fathom.
He says important things like, "yeah how much is that all going to cost?" and would like his wife to be beautiful so they can have attractive offspring.
Next, is Ryan who says something about "spontuniety," and... no.
He insists he "wants to know this is worth [his] time," and seriously if he is questioning Sophie's intentions right now we swear to Bardot and all that is Pop Stars.
His hobbies include 'music' and he asks Sophie who her favourite artists are and she obviously says Justin Bieber but also Britney. Ryan is judgemental which is ironic because he just said the word 'spontuniety".
There's a montage of Sophie meeting several men who won't win, and then all the men meet each other, which reminds us that we don't care about anything that happens on this show unless Sophie is present and in control.
Osher emerges from the bottom of the pool to formally meet all the men, and introduces the concept of the 'double delight rose' which offers a lucky man not one but TWO single dates.
"That's more than one," one man says and honestly we can't handle anymore men speaking right now.
Sophie finally arrives at the cocktail party and says she has something to tell them all. BUT BEFORE SHE EVEN STARTS SPEAKING Ryan interrupts her and asks to "whisk her away" before the other men get a chance.
Sophie had a thing to say. And now we will never know what it was. Because Ryan wanted to ask legit the same questions he asked her when they met.
Other men come to interrupt and Ryan says, "Guys when I'm finished I'll come out and let you know... Have a bit of respect."
SOPHIE IS NOT A TOY WHERE EVERYONE GETS A TURN.
At this point, Ryan is keeping her hostage against her will, and interrogating her yet again.
Don't. Question. Sophie's. Intentions. Pls.
Eventually Ryan releases her, and Sophie decides she wants to sit with all the men and play a game of 'Never have I ever'.
The subject of cheating comes up and Jourdan - the weird one who developed an unexplained limp 14 seconds ago - starts crying. He says that his partner once thought he was cheating. "But was she actually cheating?" Sophie asks. Nope. No one was cheating. And we have no f*cking idea why Jourdan is crying.
THIS IS THE WEIRDEST EPISODE OF TV WE HAVE EVER WATCHED.
Oh everyone's yelling there's an otter in the pool even though we don't have otters in Australia. Turns out it's a possum.
This whole episode feels like a dream that doesn't make sense.
The men then obviously have a walk off and make Sophie watch so she can pick a winner. It feels like Sophie has 16 sons and they all want her to watch them dive into the pool, pls.
Sam loses so he has to run around in his undies and then jump in the pool and it feels like we're at a Year Nine house party.
Before the night ends, Sophie has to choose a special man to give the double delight rose to, and it's Sam. She thanks him for "changing the dynamic" of the night by jumping in the pool, and she is most definitely referring to the fact that only minutes before Jourdan was crying and also limping for no reason.
It's time for the rose ceremony, and two faceless men are sent home.
We are fine, as long as she keeps Apollo.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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