It’s the greatest mystery to ever befall The Bachelorette.
It involves a pot plant that refuses to grow, a man who most definitely peed in it, and a house full of people who we are fairly certain witnessed and were also complicit in the act.
We begin with a close up of the plant, surrounded by buzzing flies to represent the smell/presence of urine.
Inside the mansion, people are stirring Jarrod up and we do not hate it. They’re suggesting maybe he’s just not that good at growing things, and he says, more angrily than is neccessary, “You guys need to grow up”.
You know what won’t grow up? Your plant. Because someone 100 per cent peed on it. And that someone was Blake.
We know because he accidentally threatens to “piss in [Jarrod’s] plant… again“.
Just as Jarrod is about to accuse Osher of peeing in his plant, he storms into the mansion uninvited to deliver a date card.
"You know Osher means business," Sam says, and finally Osher feels welcomed by the dude bros and invites them to his house for drinks but also secrets.
Jarrod reads the date card because he likes to touch anything that Sophie might have touched, and it turns out Stu is going on the single date.
They're going on a boat in the rain and kill us all this looks awful.
Look, we're just going to say it.
We feel like Stu has a chip on his shoulder about the whole "I asked Sophie out on a boat a year ago and she stood me up" thing.
He got rejected, so then he followed her into the television to demand that she love him, which seems excessive. WE DON'T LIKE IT PLS.
First he asks, "What's doing?" which is a thing we say when we're joking... and also she's standing on a boat. So yeah. That's... that's what she's doing.
Then, he jokes, "You should have come on the first one..." and STU, NO. No more resentment or you have to go home.
Just as their conversation begins to wane, dolphins start jumping out of nowhere to provide a thing to talk about.
The dolphins are clearly pissed off because they wanted to stay at home given it's rainy and cold, and frankly they're over being exploited for a simple conversation point.
As if this date couldn't get any more boring, they start playing golf and are you daring us to switch off the TV? Are you? Because we will (we won't).
Predictably, the golf part is stupid.
No one gets the balls in the hole, despite Stu straight up groping Sophie from behind in what can only be described as in an 'aggressive manner'. We're reassured the golf balls (WHICH ARE PLASTIC AND THEREFORE FLOAT) will be collected from the ocean later which sounds jarringly like a detail we didn't need to know.
After the failed golf game, Sophie and Stu sit on the boat and talk about their lives etc.
"I'd move anywhere for the right girl," Stu says and pause.
YOU HAVE FOUR YOUNG DAUGHTERS IN SYDNEY. FOUR.
You don't get to just move anywhere in the country for the right girl... that's how being a dad works we're pretty sure.
Sorry - this is getting way too heavy.
What's important is that Sophie begins to lose it.
She has decided she likes Stu and we all know what happens when she gets 'the feelings'.
Sophie becomes a 12-year-old boy who has to present a speech on Antarctica and can no longer say her words or look anyone in the eye. She's in her pyjamas with a choker on and no one knows why, least of all Sophie. It's confusing for the story line etc.
Eventually she semi yells at Stu in another language to kiss her and he does it, but then he just keeps talking while they are kissing and this ain't right.
THERE'S NOTHING MORE TO SAY, STU.
She reprimands him but doesn't have a leg to stand on because she can only speak to him while facing the opposite way, so in a strange way they're perfect for each other.
It's time for DA BOIZ. They have somewhere to be, and we know what happens when they travel in packs.
They just keep yelling 'WHEEEEY' every time they're addressed.
Interestingly, 'whhheyyy' is never a sound that comes from a single man. No. It exclusively happens when the men are together and are required to respond.
You see, da boiz are all going to Sophie's house for just like... a chill.
As soon as they arrive, it's clear Sophie expects them to put on onesies. Which is fine. Except that Blake has a dick on his head, which, in our opinion, wasn't an accident.
The men are all ganging up on Stu
mostly exclusively because he is old. Stu finds it hilarious and we do not know why.
There are jokes about him being closer to death etc. and when he puts on a monkey onesie, Sam goes on a bizarre tangent about "older chimps" and yellow teeth and spots on their face that is just something we've never noticed about chimps?
The men have to make dinner, and soon enough this whole thing becomes an ad for Mexican food. Jarrod is cooking which annoys everyone, including us.
As they're cooking, one man slaps another man across the face for no apparent reason and the rest are just out the back bitching about Jarrod.
This looks like an awful gathering. A truly awful gathering.
Once Jarrod is finished cooking, someone suggests he loosen his onesie a bit because to be honest, it appears he is overheating.
But Jarrod is the kind of man who won't undo his top button no matter what. So he chooses to remain bright red for the rest of the night.
Sophie decides it's a good idea for everyone to put anonymous questions in a box and then answer them, which is most definitely a recipe for disaster.
Questions we imagine were written down include:
- Why is Stu so old?
- Can I have a pay rise? (Submitted by Osher)
- Why is everyone else here when really you only love Jarrod? <3 (Submitted by Jarrod)
- How annoying is Jarrod? (Submitted by everyone but Jarrod)
But they skip over those questions and go straight to: Who is the most into Sophie?
And then we meet Mack.
Turns out Mack has been with us all along, but not saying much. "I'm infatuated with her beauty..." he says to the camera, "looking into her eyes really makes me go gaga."
Speaking of infatuated, before we know it Jarrod has gone into a full blown explanation of what Sophie wants, and at this point Jarrod has officially told us more about what Sophie wants than Sophie has.
Jesus Christ the next question concerns the f*cking pot plant.
Then Sam utters the 17 words we've been waiting for this entire season, and we almost forgive him for the time he described Sophie's boobs as "cans" more than once.
"Blake's my brother and I know he pissed in it and it's a beautiful thing to watch."
But also like... yeah we know.
At this point, it descends into a screaming match concerning the pot plant, and Stu's all like "it's not a good look" and we're like YEAH WE KNOW STU BUT SHUT UP SO WE CAN HEAR THE YELLING.
Sophie then gets all these gifts from when the men were kids, and Apollo is very touched because he receives a bunny that he used to love.
That bunny looks brand new. Probably because Apollo's childhood is... now.
Jarrod gets a blankey and starts yelling "DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY BLANKEY" before crying in the corner alone.
"I think Sophie's going to let him go very, very soon," Blake says. "With or without the blanket."
Why would Sophie want to keep the blanket?
Anywho, she decides to spend some extra time with this Mack character because he seems into her. But it's actually just way too much.
She asks why he likes her and he just wants to say BECAUSE YOU'RE PRETTY BUT ALSO FROM THE TV, but instead he makes something up about Sophie being nurturing and she doesn't buy it.
Tonight they skip the cocktail party because honestly no one could handle another conversation about plants.
We all know Mack is going home because we're pretty sure at one point he asked for a selfie with THE Sophie Monk, but it's a double eviction. So we assume it's going to be the rogue chef who couldn't spell the word cuisine.
Luke goes home and nothing makes sense anymore.
OUR MONEY THAT WE DIDN'T PLACE BECAUSE WE DO NOT GAMBLE WAS ON LUKE. She even called him Luke Clooney because of his... face.
You can't just take Luke away from us and not tell us why.
We do not like this at all.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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