While watching Thursday night’s episode of The Bachelor I noticed there’s something missing this season… something big.
Like any good investigator I got out my cork board and started thumb-tacking photos onto it. And then I connected the photos in a series of nonsensical patterns using red string, so I could narrow down my leads.
The roses were there (Osher had counted them real good).
The Osher was there (counting the roses).
The extreme sports dates were everywhere (including a weird hybrid between cricket and lacrosse).
The clichés were there (though not so many now that Jen’s gone home).
All the cheese platters were present and accounted for.
LISTEN: Zara McDonald and Michelle Andrews chat about the latest episode of The Bachelor…
But there was definitely something missing. For a little while I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but then I cracked the goddamn case.
It’s the suspense. There’s absolutely no suspense.
There’s no intruders coming in during the last few weeks to throw off the balance in the house, there’s no shock exits (we know exactly who’s going to leave next and why), and most importantly, there’s absolutely no mystery around who’s going to win Matty J’s heart.
It's Laura. It's always been Laura and no amount of red herring cheese platters is going to change that fact.
The clever Bachie producers have been working overtime trying to throw us off the scent. They've moved up the home dates, they've made Osher devise a series of complicated and unnecessary games that have no clear winner, they've instructed Matty to stare longingly at every girl who gets on a couch with him until it becomes really bloody awkward.
But none of this has worked.
Because we ALL KNOW Laura's got this in the bag.
To read Clare and Jessie Stephens recaps of The Bachelor, click here.
To read more Bach Fluff, click here.