The Twins recap The Bachelor episode 9: Jen can no longer cope with the injustice.

Everyone quiet. Osher’s here now.

He’s emerged from behind a door that looks conspicuously like it leads nowhere – and that’s okay. 

Flo says softly, “Osher arriving could only mean one thing,” and we don’t like that comment because it makes Osher’s job seem predictable. But Osher’s role is diverse and includes such tasks as a) announcing he has a date card, b) delivering that card, c) every now and then offering a nonsensical clue, and d) sometimes (but rarely) reading the card out loud.

Osher goes with option A because he didn’t appreciate Flo’s attitude.

"I came from nowhere to do nothing."

Elora announces that it's a group date, and it becomes clear that the girls invited are mostly the ones who haven't been on a single date yet, except for Michelle who Matty appears to be actively avoiding. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

"I'm starting to think that Matty's got no clue how to spell Michelle," she laughs, which is frankly ridiculous because Osher would obviously help him. Everyone knows that, Michelle. 

Cobie, Jen, Elise and Simone all join Matty at a house he does not own. Matty begins, "I've invited a few more guests," and Jen's about to cut a bitch when Osher translates, "What Matty means ladies... is that one member of your family is here."

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We suddenly realise that the reason Osher had to dash off earlier was because he was busy kidnapping select members of everyone's families. And he did very well.

"Untie them. Pls."

They present each woman with just one parent, because as everyone knows, you're not allowed to see your family or any loved ones whatsoever when you're dating. That's a rule.

Jen says through tears, "This is the best thing in the world!" and... pause. These women could hang out with their parents every day if they wanted to, but instead they're here. With strangers. For no reason. So... yeah.

Elise explains to her dad that Matty hasn't asked her to go on a one on one date yet, and he silently wonders to himself, "So you left me and your job a month ago to date a man who you haven't been on a date with yet?"

... Cool.

"Y r u here tho?"

Jen explains to her mum that she and Matty have "such good banter," and we just know her mum has literally no idea what she's talking about.

...Banta? Fun.

The whole point of this date is for each girl and her kidnapped parent to cook for Matty, who will judge them on a) the quality of the food they cook and b) the quality of their parent. The winner gets money alone time with Matty and OH MY GOD OSHER NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE A COMPETITION.

But alas, despite Jen making banoffee for dessert (we... we have no idea what that is) Matty just chooses Elise with zero justification. Jen is very happy for her except that she's not at all.

They talk about that one time Elise made Matty play an awkward fishing game at one of the cocktail parties, and we would suggest that under no circumstance should anyone design a fishing game to impress a potential partner.

Anywho, Matty gives her a rose and says it's been a slow burn which... idk is probs something he should bring up with his doctor.

STOP PLS.

Matty's riding a camel and if we see one more gimmick we're legit going to intentionally overdose on Cobie's helium.

no.

Alongside footage of Matty clearly riding a camel, four different women inform us that Matty has arrived riding a camel and suddenly it dawns on us that Matty is riding a camel.

Now that's out of the way, Matty asks Tara if she'd like to join him, and before she even says yes, he's laughing about how her attire isn't camel appropriate.

We. Can. Not. 

YOU NEVER EVEN TOLD HER YOU WERE RIDING A CAMEL SORRY IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE HAREM PANTS ON.

Jen yells, "Are you kidding me mate?" because she hasn't had a single date yet, and this is Tara's second single date, which, yes, is two more than Jen, and Jen has had two less than Tara. It's all very complicated, but that's injustice for you.

It's similar to the tandem bike date in that Tara screams for her life for 25 minutes before calming down and talking about her feelings. It's fine. They drink tea which is boring AF and then they meet a snake, and if you listen closely you can hear Matty saying, "Haha you idiot you didn't dress for a snake" and not now, Matty. Srsly. 

Matty and Tara then learn to belly dance from a woman who we swear taught people to belly dance in the last season of The Bachelor, and it's all very confronting.

"This isn't confronting at all."

Back at the house, Jen is speaking strictly in cliches, about how Matty taking Tara on this date is a "slap in the face" and she's "mortified". While speaking at Michelle, she realises that Matty might just be "intimidated by strong women", and even though Michelle doesn't reply, Jen thinks it's been a good chat.

Over on some culturally insensitive Moroccan picnic, Matty is impressed with Tara's family values and, look. We just need to clarify. Doesn't... everyone value their family? That... we would say that's the norm.  But when Tara and her face have family values, it's very special.

Bla bla bla they kiss, and Matty tells Tara how the more they've spoken the more he's discovered about her, and it's all just so profound we need a minute.

(We don't need a minute).

IT'S THE COCKTAIL PARTY AND DAMN THIS WAS A BORING EPISODE.

Why has nothing happened though...

Oh.

Oh, but Jen is "very upset". She keeps saying things about the "friend-zone" and also "good things come to those who wait" but "my mum is my rock" plus "a way to a man's heart is through his stomach" and goodness gracious we've never heard so many cliches all at once.

Jen cooks Matty three different desserts and watches as he tastes them. If we were Matty, there's no way we'd be eating it without making her go first... but he is braver than we are.

He likes the chocolate, which is as shocking as when Tara said she liked her family, and Jen says, "I was bound to impress you eventually... ANYWAY."

But no.

Not anyway. 

"Let me eat the dessert you made me in peace"

Matty asks Jen, "You seem to think I'm not a big fan of you," and Jen almost exclaims, "Dude I was cast as the villain on day one, I've done some messed up sh*t. You're not supposed to like me." But instead she tries to act vulnerable and says her flirty nature isn't a "one trick pony" and NO WE'VE HAD IT WITH CLICHES FOR ONE NIGHT, JEN.

Matty lightly critiques her personality, but otherwise they seem on decent terms.

It's the rose ceremony, and Osher takes a few minutes to do the maths before we discover that one girl will be going home tonight.

It's Michelle, mostly because Matty continues to avoid her and this has started to become a problem when developing their relationship.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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