Last night, Channel 10 did a clickbait.
We all knew that Matty J most definitely wanted to send Sian home, but felt like he shouldn’t because she had just cried, yelled at a camera, said she didn’t like him and then decided she was absolutely, one hundred percent, staying.
Oh, honey no.
We ended with an ominous ‘to be continued’, which, um, we’d hope so given we’ve got Thursday nights cancelled for the foreseeable future??
Tonight, we open with the frankly haunting replay of Matty picking up but then PUTTING DOWN a rose. All the women were very worried about Matty, but no. The real victim here is Osher, who went to all the trouble of counting the roses and calculating the women remaining, only to have Matty CONFUSE THE ENTIRE PROCESS.
Osher goes into panic mode and to alleviate the tension and distract everyone from Osher's distress, Matty asks to see Sian outside.
He explains that she has to go home now because there's footage of her screaming "I DON'T LIKE HIM" in a bathroom and also he still has no idea who she is, which poses an issue for their... future.
Read last night's recap: The Twins recap The Bachelor episode 5: “I DON’T LIKE HIM.”
Sian is somehow completely sweet with it, which leads us to speculate that a producer tranquillised her when no one was looking.
When Matty J returns to the rose ceremony, everyone feels very sympathetic that Matty had to break up with one of his 16 girlfriends. But they also understand.
Matty assures them, "I'm here for one reason and one reason only," and after a pause he adds, "
to triple my Insta following to find a uterus." The women are satisfied.
STOP it's single date time which means listening to a six minute montage of different women saying, "I really want the single date this week!"
It's all very exciting.
LISTEN: Zara McDonald and Rachel Wagner debrief on Matty J's deal breakers on the latest epiosde of Bach Chat. Post continues.
Tara wins, mostly to give her a break from narrating the entire series thus far.
She meets Matty in a... park.
And when he arrives on a tandem bike (which just isn't something people ever do) she screams, "THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN."
This is absolutely not the funniest thing we've ever seen.
It turns out Tara has a fear of bicycles which, you know, is one of the many reasons people tend to talk to each other before going on a date. But it's fine. Tara screams a lot and contemplates her own mortality, etc etc.
After approximately 40 seconds Matty says he's kinda over the bike TBH and explains they'll be spending some time in someone else's mansion. It's weird to hire someone else's home for a date, but Tara seems fine with it.
The rest of the date can be described as follows:
TARA IS YELLING BECAUSE THEY'RE MAKING PASTA.
TARA IS YELLING BECAUSE SHE'S WEARING AN APRON.
TARA IS YELLING WHILE SEXUALLY OBJECTIFYING MATTY'S BUM.
She then starts hyperventilating and suggests that Matty cooks with no pants on and honestly no part of us is okay with Matty's penis getting all up in the pasta sauce.
They take their pasta into another room in the house that is not their's, and Tara explains that her uterus is available for Matty's use literally any time. Matty likes this side of Tara.
They kiss, mostly so Tara doesn't yell anymore.
IT'S GROUP DATE TIME.
There's some stupid clue about falling in love and keeping your feet on the ground, and clearly they're jumping out of a plane because that's all anyone ever does on this show. Cobie reads out the card and guys, she is actually so fine that she's not going on the group date. Like, she is fine. She's really happy for everyone else.
Jen is annoyed because Simone is going on the date, but is also "openly scared of heights". Jen explains that being on this show means doing exactly what Matty wants to do, all of the time. And also keeping your feelings to yourself. Duh.
As soon as Simone sees the plane, she descends into a full blown panic attack, mostly because jumping out of a plane is a f*cking insane thing to do.
All the other women keep saying things we don't think they believe, like "I'M SO EXCITED, THIS IS THE NUMBER ONE THING ON MY BUCKET LIST I'M SO ADVENTUROUS BUT ALSO COOL!" Ugh.
In this situation, we are Simone.
Matty's all like, "I want a woman who says 'yes' to opportunities," and we're all like, "We want a man who doesn't make us do dangerous shit".
But no. Matty's ideal woman does things that are her worst nightmare out of love. For him. She sounds... great.
Meanwhile Leah is also angry that Simone has fears and is choosing to express them in a way that is distracting.
Wait... Simone? Sweetie?
They all get in the plane, and we actually think Simone might die. Turns out they all jump because today is about learning a very important lesson:
Always do what a man tells you to do, even if you don't want to.
Because Simone put a man she has had three and a half conversations with before her own deepest fears, she wins some alone time with Matty. And he spends the whole time... mocking her face?
But there was somebody who had a worse time on this date than Simone.
Osher appears out of the ground, and says, "It looked great from down here..."
"I'm glad I could be here for a little part of it," and holy sh*t why is Osher being passive aggressive about how he didn't get invited on the sky diving date?
It's the cocktail party, and Jen is mad at Nat because, we quote, "She has no respect for what we're doing."
What... what are you doing?
There's a fishing gimmick which we frankly refuse to entertain with words right now.
Michelle decides she wants some time with Matty, but gets interrupted on her way over by Laura who explains there is a line and she must get. In. The. Queue.
Sharlene (hi, yes, nice to meet you) remarks "I DIDN'T REALISE THIS WAS A TICKETEK COUNTER," and it's all very unfair, but it's getting late and Osher has to be up early for his lone sky diving trip which he paid for with his own money.
Matty sends Natalie home, the woman who farted on the first night. Look, we all thought she was going to be a much bigger part of the show than she was, and this is nothing short of a national tragedy.
As she rides home, she says, "It doesn't mean he doesn't like me, it just means he doesn't want to date me, and like STORY OF MY LIFE."
We miss you already.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
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